


Complicated

by drainbamage954 (cats_cradle6766)



Series: Models and Music [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Models and Music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-20
Updated: 2012-09-20
Packaged: 2018-03-01 04:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2759093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_cradle6766/pseuds/drainbamage954
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Huang Zitao is complicated. He is aware of this. It is something he has come to accept a long time ago. He's just not used to other things being complicated besides himself. Third Story in the Models and Music Series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Third Story of the Models and Music Series. Written 8~9/2012

“Tao is the biggest piece of false advertising. Because he has such a murder face but among all of the members of EXO, he’s the biggest sweetie pie ever.” –M

 

1.

Tao is a very complicated person. He tells people this. Other people tell him this. He tells himself this on a daily basis. It is pure fact that he is complicated and probably has more mood shifts than a woman with perpetual PMS. 

But, frankly, Tao doesn't entirely care. He has an occupation which allows for such behavior and which he can extort for his own amusement and creative purposes, which are typically overflowing. Being the top fashion designer at EXO M modeling agency has its perks. Though he knows he’s not actually bipolar, he does know that he may appear to be at times. He considers his drastic mood swings from completely rational and logical examination to blatant screaming about mundane things to be a healthy expression of his internal discourse of his surroundings. 

Though he is, by all means, in no way normal. 

And Tao likes it that way. 

There is something oddly satisfying about having people stare at you in horrified admiration when you look at them for just a moment too long. How a simple appearance and initial stance can either terrify a person or have them demanding your number for play dates on Friday. He is clearly referring to Eunhyuk for the latter. 

Tao is used to being feared, being intimidating, being respected and avoided and whispered about. It’s very normal for him. He’s been living with it  
since he came out in high school when he asked out his homeroom teacher. He’s accepted it since before then. Accepted it like his parents never could. He has no problems with who he is. He knows exactly who he is.

Which is why it makes no sense that when he first meets Kim Jongdae nothing goes to plan. 

When Tao meets Kim Jongdae, he notices three things. 

Kim Jongdae has a naturally smiling face, something rarely seen in models but which is pleasant on his thin lips.

Kim Jongdae is not incredibly tall, not a beanpole like himself, Changmin or Kyuhyun but he has one of the longest and most beautiful torsos Tao has ever seen.

Kim Jongdae is not afraid of him. Not in the slightest. Where normal people (with Kris being a raging exception) would take one look at him and cower or dissolve into hysterical panic, Kim Jongdae smiles warmly and holds out his hand to shake Tao’s.

Tao is so shocked he takes the hand without comment and vaguely registers that Jongdae has very nice hands. He can smell the orange hand soap they use in the bathrooms faintly.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Tao,” Kim Jongdae says, his smile warm and eyes soft. Kris, who stands behind the smaller man, looks impatient and important and inconvenienced. Tao internally cheers. “I’m Kim Jongdae. I just started and look forward to working with you.”

Kris glances at his watch. 

“Chen,” Tao says without hesitation and Kim Jongdae blinks. 

“Excuse me?” Kim Jongdae says, his eyebrows creasing slightly though his mouth still smiles. 

“Your name is Chen,” Kris clarifies from behind him and looks sternly at Tao. “Can you evaluate him, please? I’m on a schedule.”

“You’re always on a schedule,” Tao says, dropping Kim Jongdae’s hand and going back to where he was ripping out seams of a handbag. “When are you not on a schedule? You were birthed with a schedule.” He picks up a seam ripper and turns judging eyes on Kim Jongdae. “He’s short.”

“He’s talented,” Kris says and Kim Jongdae seems to be comfortable with the other two men talking about him while he stands witness. “Yunho highly recommended him.”

“Yunho would highly recommend anything,” Tao says, ripping out thread viciously. “Who has he not highly recommended?”

“All those who are not satisfactory,” Kris says, an edge to his voice. “Evaluate him. Now.”

“I’m busy,” Tao says, stopping his vicious ripping and looking up at Kris with an exaggerated slump of his shoulders. “Though I suppose that would fail to garner your attention, considering your creative processes are about as much as your social life.”

Kris glowers. “Now!” he demands. 

Tao sighs exaggeratedly and rolls his head on his shoulders dramatically. “You!” he barks, shooting a hand out to Kim Jongdae. “Strip.”

“I’m sorry-“ Kim Jongdae says, faltering slightly as he blinks at Tao. Kris frowns at the wall.

“Strip,” Tao repeats, looking up placidly at Kim Jongdae, his eyes bored. “Take off your clothes, disrobe, remove your garments. I thought it was a commonly used term, or do you simply live under a rock.”

Kim Jongdae quirks his head slightly, his mouth still smiling and Tao finds himself intrigued by it. That ever present curve of lips on such a well sculpted face. Then, without a second though, he drags his shirt over his head, his pants dropping to the floor a moment later and Kris is staring at the smaller man in fascination. In all of his experience, no one has ever stripped for Tao without that much question or horrified shaking. 

Tao is staring. No one, he repeats, no one, ever follows his orders with that much nonchalance. 

“Do I need to remove my underwear as well or will this suffice?” Kim Jongdae asks and there is a definite smirk on his smiling mouth. 

Tao doesn’t like to have people try to actually compete with him in his games. They’re his games. He wins them. Other people don’t. 

“No,” Tao says, tone short. He gets up, grabbing a measuring tape and sticking the seam ripper between his teeth. He moves from his workbench and stalks towards Kim Jongdae with silent steps and grace he was born with. “Stand straight,” he says firmly around clenched teeth.

Kim Jongdae obeys and Tao frowns. 

It doesn't make sense. Tao knows he’s intimidating. Frightening. Very disconcerting in most everything he does and says and usually has others shivering and trying to stand straight while he pokes them with whatever he’s holding until they have a small mental breakdown and he rejoices. 

But Kim Jongdae just smiles and stands straight, his eyes on Tao and the Chinese man realizes that he doesn’t actually know what the think of him. He grabs Kim Jongdae roughly, turning him this way and that and poking places he usually never does and all the while the smaller man says nothing, just smiles that simple soft smile. 

When Tao has nothing else to do, he stands back, finger tapping against his lips as he looks at Kim Jongdae and wonders if he’s slipping. Kris is looking very impatient.

“Are you done?” the CEO barks and Tao sighs.

“No, you insolent dog, I’m baking pastries,” he snaps at Kris and the other man’s nostrils flare. “Go away, you need you tranquilizers. Chen, go make tea.”

Tao has to keep himself from staring as Kim Jongdae makes no sound of protest, no objection, and simply glances around the room, scanning for something, before he’s walking over to Tao’s ‘zen corner’ and picking up the tea things, setting about preparations. 

Tao doesn’t know what to do. 

And he’s pretty sure he hates that. 

The next few months are spent with Tao avoiding having to work with or have any contact at all with Kim Jongdae. After their brief conversation over the tea Kim Jongdae had made perfectly, Tao has resolved that he hated the other man because clearly he is a freak of nature and has no survival instincts. He didn’t use him in shows, didn’t call him to the studio, didn’t approve of him for shoots, nothing. 

After the third month, Luhan enters his office after knocking twice, looking slightly ruffled. 

“I’m otherwise occupied,” Tao says, not looking up from a mass of porcupine quills and mirror fragments. “Go away or you’re sporting a new piercing.”

“Why are you avoiding Chen?” Luhan asks, coming over and placing a hand on the table across from Tao.

“Why do you ask useless questions?” Tao shoots back and looks closely at one of the mirror fragments. “It’s something I was always perplexed about.”

“I’m serious,” Luhan says and Tao looks up.

“So am I,” he retorts and Luhan’s mouth quirks. “I don’t like him,” Tao finally answers.

“Why?” Luhan asks, looking confused. “What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s-“ Tao breaks off, frowning at Luhan’s collared shirt which is slightly wrinkled by the top button. 

“Nice,” Luhan supplies after a moment and Tao nods, gesturing to him vigorously.

“That’s the word,” Tao says, looking back to his porcupine quills and mirrors. “Nice. He’s too nice. I don’t like nice people.”

“I’m nice,” Luhan says and Tao smirks.

“But you're also a fiend,” he points out and Luhan rolls his eyes. “Don’t think I forgot last years Christmas Party where you kept chasing Baozi around with mistletoe and poking him in the face. Those images are hard to burn out of ones memory.”

“Why is it always you that never gets drunk and forgets things at these social gatherings?” Luhan asks, putting a hand up to his temple and rubbing. 

Tao grins. “Someone has to remember these things. That friend of Kris’s turned model last month-“

“Lay.”

“Can’t remember his own name, and considering everyone is too wrapped up in their own ego, I resolve that it’s clearly my duty,” Tao finishes and Luhan rolls his eyes. 

“You need to work with Chen,” Luhan tell him, mouth still quirking. 

“You need to find an actual boyfriend,” Tao says and raises his eyebrows very high. This is about as suggestive as he gets. 

“Talk to him, or something,” Luhan says brushing his hair out of his eyes impulsively. “Who knows, maybe for once you’ll get along with a nice person.”

“You put faith in strange things,” Tao says, settling back in with his work. “Now get out.”

Two hours later, Kim Jongdae shows up at Tao’s studio looking pleasant and friendly and Tao wants to smear paint over his face. 

“You frown a lot,” Kim Jongdae says and his mouth keeps smiling.

“It works for me,” Tao says. “I delight in the sounds of babies wailing.”

“I imagine that would get grating after a while though,” Kim Jongdae retorts, his mouth slipping into a smirk easily. “Do you always wear so much eye liner?”

“It comes with the occupation,” Tao says and fumbles with a piece of mirror, the fragment slipping between his fingers and dropping to the floor where it shatters. He scowls. 

“What are you doing after work?” Kim Jongdae asks and Tao looks at him in shock, for once not frowning as he feels surprise, which is not normal for him at all.

“What?” the designer asks and feels horrifically unintelligent.

“What are you doing after work?” Kim Jongdae repeats and smiles at him, eyes shining. “I though I’d ask you out for dinner or drinks or something. Try to see if you really hate me or if you ever do smile.”

Tao just stares at him. 

“I don’t date people,” Tao says flatly, and Kim Jongdae outright laughs. Tao does not appreciate this. 

“I’m not asking you on a date,” Kim Jongdae says, smiling broadly and Tao doesn't like it. “I’m asking to eat dinner with you in a platonic but not professional fashion. Maybe we’ll get drinks too. Who knows.”

“You’re a strange person,” Tao says and Kim Jongdae smiles. 

Tao goes out to dinner with Kim Jongdae. He doesn’t smile, but that’s okay because Kim Jongdae smiles enough for both of them. They talk, but not too much, and despite his smiling face, Kim Jongdae has a very interesting edge to his voice at times that Tao picks up on and realizes that Kim Jongdae might not be as sickly nice as he originally thought. 

The next day, Tao calls Kim Jongdae to his studio and tells him he’s using him as a back up model because Heechul of the many hating things decided taking his cat to the vet was more important than his career. Kim Jongdae just nods and smiles. Then Tao tells him to make tea and he does and he and Tao spend the rest of the day shooting comments at each other while Tao disassembles a computer for his next line of accessories. 

It isn’t until three months later that Tao realizes that this, Kim Jongdae spending time in his studio while he works and the two of them banter comfortably, has become a regular thing. He doesn’t realize how familiar he has become with the other man, his presence, his smile, his companionship, until Heechul comes in and starts screaming at him about strange designs and his obsession with hip lines rather than collarbones and the two of them basically tear apart the studio in record time. Less than thirty minutes. 

It’s only afterwards, as Tao is frantically throwing himself about and feeling victimized and regretful and hating Heechul that Kim Jongdae shows up and an instant wave of calm rushes over Tao, causing him to immediately break down in sobbing hysterics. Kim Jongdae calmly shushes him and wraps him in a strangely gentle hug. And Tao is surprised at himself that he doesn’t push the other away, usually loathe to physical contact. 

Luhan comments that it was the fastest record for Tao to calm down in the history since they’ve known each other and Tao tells him that his mother was shot by a hunter. 

Tao contemplates, later that evening, how Kim Jongdae could be a singer because his voice is beautiful when he’s gently singing a calming song to Tao that his mother used to use when he couldn't sleep. He also thinks about how Kim Jongdae knows where he lives. How he knows Kim Jongdae seems to smile even when he’s angry. How Kim Jongdae knows that he hates chocolate and almonds and always knows that he only drinks black coffee in the early morning but an espresso after lunch. How he knows Kim Jongdae is allergic to bee stings and carries an EpiPen everywhere. 

A few months later, Heechul quits and everyone is shocked except for Tao, who had seen it a mile off. And he doesn’t realize how much he’s changed until the new model, a beautiful tan boy named Kim Jongin is brought to him and he isn’t entirely pleased when the young man flinches. He is, however, pleased when Jongin strips with almost the same speed Jongdae had. He likes this new boy instantly. He wastes no time essentially adopting the younger and notices after a week that Jongdae doesn’t visit him as often, only doing so when Jongin is absent. 

“You’re not around as much,” Tao comments one day, sorting through feathers and designs for the show he’s planning with Jongin as center. 

“No,” Kim Jongdae says and continues to rummage in Tao’s supply closet. “Why do you have a pair of heels in here?”

“Research,” Tao says absently. “Are you busy?”

“Yes,” Kim Jongdae says, and they drop the topic. 

It’s barely a week before Tao is picking up on all of the drama, the evidence obvious to only him apparently as he watches as Jongin babbles about Lay without realizing it. Tao, surprisingly, finds it cute, and then finds it horribly agitating because he’s not a romantic. 

“So, I take it you’ve noticed?” Kim Jongdae asks one afternoon, wandering in an hour after Jongin left, smiling like a fool, and holding an orange. Tao looks at him blandly. “About Jongin and Lay and the strange surge in emotional drama.”

“There is always drama,” Tao says, moving to stand by the window and look out into gray skies. Behind him, Jongdae makes tea. A few minutes later, he presses a warm cup into Tao’s hand and the taller man accepts it without words.

“Stop thinking about them,” Jongdae tells him, as if reading his mind.

“I can’t,” Tao says and takes a sip of his tea. It’s perfectly brewed, as always. 

“You make such a show of not caring when I’m pretty sure you care the most out of all of us,” Jongdae says and Tao can feel him shift his weight beside him. 

“I’m the black sheep of the family,” Tao says, watching clouds. “I am the one no one really knows yet I know about everyone else more than they do themselves.”

“You’re not alone,” Jongdae says, and Tao knows he’s smiling softly. 

“I like being alone,” Tao says and turns back to his work, leaving Jongdae to stare out the windows alone. He has a show to prepare for. 

The day before the show, Tao is in the middle of an argument with Changmin about pants when his phone rings. “Be important or I’m screaming,” he snaps into his phone. 

Jongin’s mother is in the hospital. 

Possibly dying. 

Strings suddenly wrench Tao’s heart nearly out of his chest and he blinks at Changmin who looks confused. “Okay,” is all he says into the phone before flipping it shut. Changmin looks warily at him as Tao closes his eyes and breathes deeply though his nose. When he opens his eyes, he looks hard at the tall model before him. “Jongin isn’t coming to the show tomorrow. We are subbing with Kyuhyun. Tell him I need him up here immediately and then I want a triple shot cappuccino.”

Tao appreciates Changmin’s intelligence when the other man says nothing and simply does as is asked of him. Kyuhyun shows up ten minutes later looking ruffled and confused and annoyed and Tao tells him the change and earns a scowl. Tao knows he is unhappy about the sudden change. Tao is also unhappy about the sudden change. He is very unhappy. 

Tao knows he has to alter some of his designs to fit Kyuhyun. He knows he has only a limited time to do this. But, at the moment, Tao knows that he’s not capable of doing this at all. Jongdae finds Tao curled up in one of the black leather chairs fifteen minutes after Kyuhyun has left staring lifelessly at the wall and hugging his knees, tears rolling down his face.

Jongdae sets down the triple shot cappuccino on the black lacquer table. 

Tao turns to look at him as the smaller man kneels in front of him, face creased in concern as a hand reaches up to brush away tears. 

“I’m leaking,” Tao says as his eyes flicker back and forth between Jongdae’s. 

“It’s okay,” Jongdae says, and smiles gently. Tao’s head bows as he lets the grief he feels for Jongin and his mother crush his chest and sobs, feeling Jongdae’s arms circle around him. He doesn’t say anything besides gentle soothing nonsense as he cradles Tao, hands pleasant as they travel over his back and his voice hums softly.

“He’s hurting,” Tao chokes out, his mind on the boy he hung up on whose mother may be dying. “He’s hurting so much.”

“So are you,” Jongdae says and Tao closes his eyes.

Tao stays until three in the morning working on designs and fueled by stress and caffeine. He sleeps in the black chairs and skips breakfast in favor of black coffee. He’s exhausted as people arrive, shuffling about in panic and stress as the show preparations begin and Tao is tired and irritated and his mind is too many places at once. 

He snaps at everyone and fusses over everything and Kyuhyun scowls a lot and Eunhyuk looks very uncomfortable all the time. 

Everything that could go wrong does. Lay forgets his shoes, Changmin’s hair won’t cooperate, Kyuhyun gets stabbed in the eye with an eyeliner pencil, and Tao is constantly making last minute adjustments he really wishes he didn’t have to do. Jongdae watches him and is always just on the sidelines, there to give Tao a reassuring pat on the arm or a whispered word of encouragement as Tao’s nervous system continues to meltdown. 

Somehow, though Tao is not sure how, they manage to do the show without too much disaster and he is left hyperventilating back stage as everyone trudges back to the prep area in varying degrees of adrenalin high. Well, except Kyuhyun, who stalks up to Tao as the designer gnaws at a manicured hand to keep himself from breaking his jaw. 

“You are impossible!” the model yells, shoving an assistant away as she attempts to help him remove his clothes and feathered collar. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Do you want me to print out a list?” Tao asks, not actually looking at Kyuhyun as his brain is basically rolling about in a vacuum chamber at the moment, trying to address the panic that’s been boiling in him since yesterday. “I usually keep one at home.”

Kyuhyun gives him an angered indignant look and rips the collar from his neck, fabric and feathers flying everywhere and Tao freezes, eyes wide as he looks at the man in front of him holding the ruined piece of fashion. 

_“What did you do?!"_ Tao is suddenly screaming and lunging at Kyuhyun with violence in his every purpose. _“Do you have no shame or respect, you horrific excuse for a human specimen?!"_

“No!” Kyuhyun hollers back, fuming as he dodges Tao. _“That would be you!"_

Everyone is dead quiet for a moment and Tao stands very still, eyes very cold and dark and angry directed at Kyuhyun. 

The next fifteen minutes is a blur of raised voices and anger and bad words and things spoken without thought and ends with Kris dragging Tao away from Kyuhyun, spitting angrily at the model who, in turn, is being restrained by Changmin and Eunhyuk as he claws at Tao.

 _“What the fuck?"_ Kris yells, finally getting Tao out of the studio and into his car. “Drive!” he yells at Taemin, his driver, and the young chauffeur does so without question. “Do you have any idea the damages you've just caused?”

“Were you even _listening_ to what was happening?” Tao explodes and flails hysterically. He’s in an enclosed space and very distressed and this is not a good combination. “Do you possess a _brain_?”

 _“You were trying to attack Kyuhyun with an iron!_ " Kris bellows at him and Tao makes a very exaggerated hand gesture.

 _“He was threatening to stab me with a pair of scissors!"_ Tao yells back and hates Kris a lot. 

“You are not children!” Kris hollers and Tao wants to smash him in the head. 

“You run a modeling business! We're all basically twelve year olds in fancy pants!" Tao screams. “And you're no different!” Kris scowls very intensely and Tao huffs repeatedly. Tao takes a shaking breath before suddenly bursting into tears. Kris, being the fantastic person he is, has no idea what to do and simply stares as Tao sobs hysterically and babbles about failure and hopelessness. 

Finally, after a very uncomfortable car ride, they arrive back at EXO M and Tao scrambles out of the car, holding open the door long enough to scream in at Kris’s face, _“you're entirely useless, you overgrown ponce!"_ before slamming the door. Hurtling into the building, he resigns to thrash about his studio for a good two hours before Jongdae and Luhan arrived and managed to drag him away from the windows where he was furiously scrawling Chinese characters in lipstick.

Luhan looks frantic and Jongdae smiles in sympathy and Tao just starts to cry all over again and collapses. Jongdae and Luhan catch him and lead him over to the chairs while he flails for a moment, before being dropped into a chair, where he curls up into himself. 

“I find it fascinating how you can go from this unbelievably cool and calm collected fashion designer into a hysterical seven year old,” Luhan says, shaking his head and brushing Tao’s hair from his face. 

“I’m complicated,” Tao sniffs and frowns at Luhan. “You be complicated and see how difficult it is.”

Luhan smiles softly at him as Jongdae takes his hand, holding it firmly and rubbing small circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. “I think your version of complicated and my version of complicated are very different,” Luhan says and Tao sniffs at him. 

“Are you done trashing things or should we go put on padding?” Jongdae asks, smiling softly, his tone joking gently and Tao scowls at him. 

“You are unhelpful,” Tao spits at him and Jongdae just grins.

“Kyuhyun was out of line,” Luhan says, reaching up to wipe the tear stains from Tao’s cheeks. 

Tao snorts. “I know, Bambi,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Why else would I brand him with an iron?”

“Yeah, speaking of that,” Luhan says, frowning slightly. “Don’t do that.”

“What? Brand people?” Tao asks, frowning. 

“Yeah, that,” Luhan says, still frowning. “Or try to severely injure people.”

“Why?” Tao says, pouting. “It’s fun.”

“Because even if you hate them, you can’t kill people,” Jongdae says, pushing Tao in the forehead slightly. 

“That’s unfair,” Tao says, voice flat. 

“That’s life,” Luhan says. “C’mon, let’s get this place cleaned up.”

Jongdae takes Tao out that evening for drinks. Tao has been to dinner with Jongdae many times. They have had food and talked and said useless things and useful things and most of the time the conversation isn’t intense. But Tao and Jongdae have never gone out for drinks. 

Tao doesn’t go out for drinks. It’s just not something he does. 

But tonight he does. Jongdae tells him he needs to after the disaster that was today and Tao, for some reason, complies. Tao only drinks wine because he doesn't like the beer Jongdae offers him and doesn’t trust the bartender and his sly smile. 

Tao realizes at a later date that his tolerance is horrible. 

Conversation is normal at first, then, after two glasses of shiraz, Tao feels like talking. A lot. 

He tells Jongdae about all sorts of things he never talks about. About how he came out to his parents. About how he got into fashion design. About his first fashion designs. About the old relationships he abandoned for a life of single things. About how he’s allergic to dogs. About how he always wanted a cat but didn’t want to compete for attention if he ever had guests at his apartment. About how he hated moving from China when Kris recruited him. About how Jongin should just tell Lay he wants to fuck him and get things over with. About how he once was in love with Kris. About how he is afraid of ghosts. 

Jongdae just listens, smiling and absorbing everything like a sponge and Tao loves how his lips are thin and not overbearing. Everything is slightly shiny and Tao scowls at how his fingers aren’t as precise as normal but doesn’t really care at the same time. 

“You talk a lot when you drink,” Jongdae says, taking a sip of wine. 

“You smile perpetually,” Tao says. “I have a hypothesis that your mouth is stuck that way.”

“I would consider that a good thing,” Jongdae says as he swirls the red wine in his glass. “I see no problems with smiling pleasantly.”

Tao frowns at him and cradles his wine glass in his hands. “Why weren’t you afraid of me when you met me?” he asks and Jongdae blinks before pursing his lips in thought.

“Why would I have been afraid of you?” Jongdae asks.

“Because I’m terrifying,” Tao tells him loftily and smirking.

“You wish you were terrifying,” Jongdae smirks back and tips his wine back and forth. He falls silent and his eyes rove over Tao’s face slowly. “I have never been afraid of you,” he says and puts his glass down. 

“That’s disappointing,” Tao says, and takes a sip of wine. 

“Why?” 

“I like to be feared,” Tao says and looks at the wine as it spiders down the glass. It’s beautiful. 

“You don’t,” Jongdae says and Tao looks at him. “You don’t like being alone.”

“And you know this how?” Tao asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Because I know you better than you know me,” Jongdae says and his mouth smiles without effort. 

Tao blinks at him, about to argue, but realizes he can’t. Because, of all the people he knows, Jongdae may actually know the most about him and, he realizes with a rush of surprise, he may not actually know Jongdae entirely. 

Tao knows Kim Jongin. 

Tao knows Zhang Yixing.

Tao knows Kris Wufan.

Tao knows pretty much everyone better than they know themselves.

Except Kim Jongdae. 

“I think you’re my favorite,” Tao says instead, bypassing the original topic and moving onto something else to escape his insecurity. 

“Favorite what?” Jongdae asks, leaning over the table and running a finger over the rim of his wine glass. “Model?”

“No,” Tao says definitely. “Changmin is my favorite model.”

“Not Kai?”

“No, I want Kai as my child, Changmin is my favorite model,” Tao clarifies. “You are my favorite person.”

“Ever?” Jongdae asks, smirking in a sly way that he rarely does. 

“At EXO M,” Tao says and avoids his eyes. 

Jongdae pauses for a while until Tao finally looks up at him again. “Why?” the smaller man asks. 

Tao takes a sip of his wine and looks away from Jongdae. “I can’t explain that,” Tao says and savors the taste on his tongue, feeling it tastes a little different from when he first tried it. “You just are.”

Tao can feel Jongdae watching him for a while and he avoids looking at him. Finally, Jongdae turns and looks at the wall and Tao looks back at him, eyes tracing his jaw line and neck. “I don’t want to be a model,” Jongdae says and Tao nods.

“I know,” Tao says, fingering the stem of his glass.

“I want to be a singer,” Jongdae continues, swallowing and looking at the table, turning back to the conversation slightly, though his eyes remain downcast. “I always have.”

“Yet you’re a model,” Tao says and toes him under the table, smiling slightly. 

Jongdae looks up at him. “Only for now. I haven’t given up yet. I’m still young and a dream is a dream, and I don’t want to give up on this one yet. I’ve just hit some delays but still plan to follow that path.”

Tao frowns and empties his wine glass into his mouth, swallowing the rest of the drink before reaching forward and grabbing the bottle, pouring another glass for himself with hands slightly unsteady. Jongdae watches him. “Why would you want to be a singer?” Tao asks, frowning as he realizes that he’s just emptied the bottle. 

Jongdae smiles and takes the now empty bottle from Tao. “Because what are we without dreams? I have always wanted to sing for people, to touch people’s hearts and souls with my voice.”

“You’re one of those romantic rose tinted glass people,” Tao says, taking another sip of wine and feeling his teeth. 

“Or I’ve just not given up on myself just yet,” Jongdae says and drains his own glass. “Another?” he asks, and gestures to the empty bottle. “Or shall we try a different one.”

“I like variety,” Tao says and Jongdae smiles like always. 

Tao refuses to accept the fact that his steps are inconsistent as he allows Jongdae to accompany him home. It isn’t uncommon for Jongdae to visit him on occasion, every now and then Tao inviting the shorter for conversation or coffee or because Jongdae needs to make sure he sleeps at some point. 

“You’re tolerance is shit,” Jongdae says, smiling as he keeps his arm steadily on Tao’s shoulder. 

“You’re observational skills should lack more,” Tao says, scowling at the pavement steps of his building. 

“I notice because I care,” Jongdae says and punches in the correct key code. “You’re not the only one who cares at EXO M.”

“Glad to know I’m not a martyr,” Tao says and pulls them into the building, punching the elevator to get them to the top floor and Tao’s apartment. “It’s so refreshing.”

“I live to serve you, Oh Great Tao,” Jongdae says and rocks slightly, bringing them closer together as they board the elevator and he gently pushes for the top floor. “And remind me to watch you closer next time I take you out for drinks.”

“It was your idea,” Tao points out, dragging his arm from Jongdae and leaning against the elevator wall, smiling at the pleasant way the world isn’t harsh and grating on his nerves. “I was not the one who suggested intoxication.”

“I was not the one who drank far more than I should,” Jongdae retorts, watching Tao in amusement as the taller man frowns at him and points his nose in the air. The door dings a moment later and Tao marches out on unsteady feet ahead of Jongdae as the other man laughs. 

“Shut up, I’m fabulous,” Tao snaps, quickly dialing his key code and wrenching open the door to his apartment and entering with a flourish. 

“I never said you weren’t,” Jongdae says, following Tao and closing the door with a gentle laugh. “I would never dream to presume you are anything but fabulous.”

Tao narrows his eyes at Jongdae. “You’re taunting me,” he says and folds his arms over his chest. 

“No,” Jongdae says, walking past Tao to the designer’s kitchen and grabbing a glass, filling it with water. “I’m teasing you. Kindly.”

“Teasing also has negative connotations,” Tao points out, following Jongdae and accepting the water as it is pushed into his hands and the glass feels extraordinarily heavy in his grip as Jongdae’s face becomes slightly unfocused. He blinks hard and glowers. 

Jongdae sighs softly, taking Tao by the arm and leading him to the living room, sitting him down on the couch. “You,” he says as Tao fidgets petulantly. “Are drunk.”

“No, I’m not,” Tao argues and takes a large gulp of water. “Why would I be drunk? What evidence do you have to support this theory?”

Jongdae stares at him and Tao frowns at his clearly amused smile. “Maybe the fact that you keep blinking to try to keep things in focus and keep smiling at things.” Tao purposely frowns. “You look amazing when you smile, by the way.”

“I look better when I frown,” Tao says and demonstrates by doing so with even more intensity. 

“I disagree,” Jongdae says, settling into the couch beside him and he’s warm against Tao’s side. “I think you look breath taking when you smile.”

“You’re confused,” Tao says, raising the water glass to his lips. “That would be you.” He takes a sip of water before looking over at Jongdae who has stilled against his side. Jongdae is looking at him with slightly wide eyes and creased eyebrows. “What? You look angelic.”

“I never took you as one for flattery,” Jongdae says, relaxing a moment later and the odd air surrounding him vanishes almost instantly. 

“You have a torso that never ends,” Tao says and leans over to Jongdae, who stills again and Tao feels a heat in his face that he’s not familiar with. Jongdae is looking at him with that earlier expression, eyes wide and face slightly guarded. There is a faint dusting of pink over his cheekbones. It’s attractive. 

“You’re a mystery that never ends,” Jongdae retorts and Tao thinks he smells like oranges. 

“Do you want to solve me?” Tao asks and his eyes fall to Jongdae’s mouth. It’s open slightly and his breathing has accelerated. It’s very odd and he still feels hot as his head swims. Jongdae has always seemed slightly angelic in Tao’s mind, with his constantly smiling mouth and beautiful face and unending kindness. Now, as he sits so close with his face dusted with rouge and eyes flickering over Tao’s face, he think’s he’s painfully beautiful.

“Yes,” Jongdae says and his voice is breathy. 

It’s music and Tao doesn’t think about anything as he leans forward and presses against that always smiling mouth with thin lips that inhale sharply right before lips touch. Tao’s eyes are closed and his hands move on their own accord to cradle Jongdae’s startled and warm face. He doesn’t know if Jongdae also has his eyes closed. All he knows is that Jongdae is heaven. 

Jongdae mouth opens gently against Tao’s and the taller man kisses him slowly. It tastes like wine and oranges and faith and Tao feels unsteady and clouded as he leans further into Jongdae, the other man making a small noise as the kiss deepens, a hand coming to grip softly around Tao’s wrist as the other slides gently against the designers waist, sending shivers up Tao’s skin, already sensitive and tingling from the alcohol. 

In response, Tao presses him further into the couch and threads his hands back into Jongdae’s hair, tilting them together as everything fogs over. After a few moments, Tao pulls back and cracks his eyes open, breathing heavily. He feels heady and his body hums as he feels with burning intensity how close he is to Jongdae. 

Jongdae’s face is flushed and his breathing rushes as it puffs against Tao’s face, his eyes clouded and half lidded as he looks up at Tao. His lips are slightly swollen and Tao vaguely thinks that he’s never looked more beautiful. Then something switches in his gaze and he swallows, the hand around Tao’s wrist pulling his hand away as the one resting by Tao’s lower left rib draws back. 

“We shouldn’t do this,” Jongdae says, his voice husky and rough as he looks up at Tao. “I don’t want you to be doing things you will probably regret.”

Tao feels as if he’s been doused in a bath of cold water. His eyes widen and he looks at Jongdae, eyes slipping in and out of focus. He’s numb and oversensitive as he pushes himself back away from the smaller man and he drags a hand over his face. Jongdae doesn't move for a long time, still half lying on the couch beside him and Tao knows he’s watching him. 

“Get out,” Tao says and regrets it as Jongdae gets up without a word and leaves.

-


	2. Chapter 2

2\. 

Jongin spends a lot of time with Tao. Talking to him about everything. About his friends, about Lay, about modeling, about Lay, about his mother, about Lay, about his large eyed roommate, and surprisingly, about Lay. Tao listens and makes various remarks as is required by the rules of conversations. Kris comes in and makes comments about things and Tao notices he’s distracted and missing two crease lines in his ever-present scowl. 

Luhan informs him on Wednesday that he and Lay set up Kris for speed dating.

Tao observes. 

Jongdae doesn’t show up in Tao’s studio for a few days and Tao ignores how much this bothers him, instead focusing on new projects and designs and trying not to smack both Jongin and Kris for how completely insufferable they’re being. Tao wants to simultaneously kiss and kill both Luhan and Lay for whatever genius idea they had because currently the CEO is walking around looking confused and probably actually experiencing emotions and Tao just wants to shake the man. 

He’s pretty sure that, despite all odds, Tao may actually be the sanest person at EXO M at the moment. With the exception of Xiumin, but Xiumin tends to keep out of these scenarios. Wise man. 

“Why are you in my studio again?” Tao asks as Jongin slinks into his studio, looking hunted and timid.

“I’m hiding from anger,” Jongin says and straightens up when he ascertains there is no danger. It’s been a week since Tao has seen Jongdae except in passing in the halls. Jongdae smiles and chats briefly like nothing is wrong. Like nothing happened. Nothing at all. And Tao doesn’t like it. 

“Whose anger did you incur?” Tao asks, raising an eyebrow as he sews sequins. 

“No one's,” Jongin says, shrugging as he hops up to sit on Tao’s workbench and kicks his legs like the five year old he internally is. He gives Tao a look. “Have you seriously not noticed?”

“Noticed what?” Tao asks and internally jeers because how could he not notice when Kris is throwing a bigger temper tantrum than himself. If it’s not over by Friday, he’s going to hit Kris over the head with his office phone. Repeatedly. Yelling lots of patronizing things. 

“Kris!” Jongin says, gesturing widely. “It's like he’s going to kill the next person he sees. He already fired three secretaries and one of the coordinators and scared one of the errand boys enough to send him home crying. Not to mention whatever happened between him and Luhan yesterday morning.”

“Oh, that’s what you meant,” Tao says and smirks at Jongin when the younger glares at him. “Don’t be stupid, I know everything.”

Jongin rolls his eyes. “Oh yeah, what did they fight about?” 

Tao looks at the sequins he is carefully sewing onto the vest in his hands. “Luhan went to confront him this weekend after he refused to talk to anyone last Friday because he had emotional problems regarding his speed dating. Luhan was really offended and upset at what Kris did on Thursday and left because he couldn’t trust himself to talk to Kris over the weekend,” he says, fixing the placement of a sequin carefully. “Then he came in yesterday morning, having thought out what he wanted to say to try to help and Kris didn’t react well, instead saying rather offensive and very personally insulting things to Luhan and, well, Luhan does not react well to insults.”

Jongin stares at him, mouth open. “How did you know that?” he asks. “Did you talk to Luhan?”

Tao scoffs. “Luhan isn’t talking to anyone right now,” he says, tossing his hair out of his eyes. “It’s just a very calculated guess.” He smiles very faintly at Jongin. “I know these people very well.”

Jongin snorts at looks away out the windows. “Lucky guess.”

“Accurate guess,” Tao says and internally makes a note to check in with Luhan later with large Vanilla Cinnamon Soy Lattes. 

“Anyway, this is pretty much the safest place in the company,” Jongin says and looks at his hands. “So, here I am.”

“I’m flattered you’re so comfortable with a bipolar diva,” Tao says flatly and goes back to his sewing. 

“I’m your favorite,” Jongin says and smiles coyly at Tao making the other man’s mouth twitch. 

“You’re an insolent child who needs proper guidance because your ignorance knows no bounds,” Tao tells him and Jongin pouts. 

“Everyone is being mean to me,” the tan boy moans, slumping. “Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are too busy trying to keep Chanyeol from dying in his apartment, Chen is off doing I don’t know what, and Yixing is stressed and I can’t talk to him because I’m pretty sure if I do I’ll say something entirely inappropriate.”

“Maybe you should talk to him then,” Tao says and cuts the thread, tying off an elegant knot. “Perhaps telling him you want him to fuck you into a wall will help stop you two dancing around and actually do something. Like maybe he’ll say ‘great’ and actually fuck you into a wall.”

Jongin huffs. “You don’t know that,” the tan boy says and Tao hits him up the back of the head. 

“When have I been wrong?” Tao snaps and Jongin rubs the back of his head with a wounded look. 

“You forgot Baozi’s real name and called him Minwoo,” Jongin says, pouting. 

“He doesn’t need a real name,” Tao says frowning. “A description of his face is sufficient. He is Baozi and that is that and I am not perfect despite contrary public opinion.”

Jongin grins at him. “You remember my name though,” he says and Tao rolls his eyes. 

“There is a reason I give people the model names I do,” Tao tells Jongin. “It’s an identity you work into which gives you definition and purpose you can find within yourself. You are Kai because it sounds powerful and confident, strong, like you need to become to succeed in your dreams to become an entertainer.”

“So Minseok should aspire to be a meat bun and Chen should aspire to be…” Jongin trails off. 

“An orange,” Tao finishes for him and Jongin grins in amusement. 

“You’re so weird,” Jongin tells him. 

“I’m not weird, I’m complicated,” Tao says, frowning as he shakes out the vest. 

“Do I get to wear that?” Jongin asks, looking at the design and cocking his head. 

“No,” Tao tells him and drapes it around a mannequin. “I pamper you too much. Go find Chen.”

Jongin pouts. “You making me go back out there? Where I could be eaten alive by Dragon? Just so you can steal my friend who is probably the only voice of calm in this place right now?”

“Yes,” Tao says flatly. “Now get out.”

Jongin gives him a hurt look before shuffling from the studio, ducking his head as he leaves and Tao smiles to himself. Tao goes back to studying the vest he’s just finished until he hears the door open. He doesn’t look over, instead letting his eyes go slightly unfocused as he watches Jongdae walk over to him in his peripheral vision. 

“I assure you, no matter how hard you look, it wont move on its own,” Jongdae says, coming to stand next to him and Tao frowns. 

“Put it on,” Tao says and Jongdae makes a small sound before shrugging off his jacket, walking into Tao’s line of sight, and taking the vest from the mannequin to drape over himself. He looks up at Tao expectantly. 

Tao studies it carefully before walking forward and adjusting here and there, pulling it about Jongdae’s frame with a concentrated look and pushing all other thoughts to the back of his mind. 

“You got bored of inanimate bodies to put clothes on?” Jongdae asks, his mouth quirking in a smile and Tao’s eyes flash up to his face. 

“You’re modeling this in the next show and I wanted to get the measurements right,” Tao informs him and Jongdae’s smile widens. “Plus, you’ve been avoiding me.”

“Where would you get that idea?” Jongdae asks, raising his arms as Tao pokes them up. 

“You haven’t been here in over a week,” Tao comments, looking intensely at the front right side of the vest and frowning. 

Jongdae fidgets slightly. “I’ve been busy,” he says and Tao’s frown deepens as he looks up. 

“You’ve been busy?” Tao repeats and his eyebrow raises in skepticism. 

Jongdae smiles slightly at him and Tao doesn’t look at his mouth. “Did you miss me?” he asks and Tao leans back almost instantly. 

“Are you on drugs?” Tao asks and looks Jongdae up and down as the other man laughs. “I’m serious. Have you started crack cocaine, because that’s not healthy. I like your brain in full functioning condition.”

“I am not on drugs,” Jongdae says, chuckling slightly and carefully taking off the vest, handing it to Tao. “I’m observant.”

“Your observational skills need work,” Tao grufs at him and turns to his workbench, spreading out the vest and looking at it. Something just isn’t right about it. 

“What about moving the sequins slightly higher on the left side and adding a few rows of silver pins?” Jongdae suggests, coming to stand beside Tao and pointing to specify where he is talking about.

“Which one of us is the designer in this room?” Tao asks, looking at Jongdae and meeting warm dark eyes. He frowns. 

“I’d like to think we’re both artists,” Jongdae says and grins. 

“Don’t compare yourself with me,” Tao says, voice lacking emotion. “You’ll just end up disappointed.”

“I’ll try not to in the future,” Jongdae says and smiles wider. 

Tao doesn’t need to respond so instead he looks back at the vest and narrows his eyes at the area Jongdae had specified. “Has Jongin been bothering you as much as he has me these past few days?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Jongdae says and shifts beside Tao, moving away a few steps to look at one of the jackets Tao is in the middle of constructing. “He never shuts up and, as much as I love RumbleMuffins, watching Baekhyun try to help Jongin with his problems when the brat can barely accept them himself is getting rather painful to watch.” Tao sees him glance at him from the corner of his vision. “You’d like Baekhyun, by the way.”

“And why would I like him?” Tao asks, still not looking up from his work as he begins to pull out sequins. “Is he tall, dark, and handsome with a voice like darkness and a figure like Rain?”

“No,” Jongdae says and Tao can hear the smirk in his voice. “He’s small, adorable, and extremely sassy. Basically you two would hit it off immediately and all of us would hate you while you two constantly pick apart our lives.”

Tao straightens up and looks over at Jongdae. “You’re right,” Tao says, and Jongdae laughs. “I probably would like him.”

“Exactly,” Jongdae says smiling. “I told you I knew you.”

Tao feels something akin to ice slither down into his stomach and spread out with spidery fingers through him. He had pushed aside the incident from the other night with pure determination and denial, pegging it to clear intoxicated primitive urges. Jongdae had been right. He didn’t want to do something that would be regretted later.

“So, what have you been busy with?” Tao asks, looking back to the vest and pulling carefully at thread and sequins. “Raves? Kidnappings? Saving small children from illegal prostitution?”

“Pretty much,” Jongdae says and leans a hip against the workbench. “You know how busy I can get with those things.”

“You’re one of those obnoxious do-gooder people,” Tao says, threading a needle easily and picking up the vest. “I usually try to forget that fact because you sometimes have this strange ability to be an absolute troll.”

“I’m flattered,” Jongdae says.

“You should be,” Tao says, looking up into Jongdae’s ever smiling face. He swallows and places the needle between his teeth as his fingers search for sequins.

There is a swift knock at the door and Tao and Jongdae both look over as Changmin pokes his head into the studio. “Kris is here,” is all he says before the CEO comes into the studio and immediate doom descends everywhere. Tao doesn’t even flinch, instead rolling his eyes before smiling widely at his boss. Jongdae swiftly pushes himself off of the workbench and stands just a bit straighter. Kris completely ignores Jongdae and looks directly at Tao, who smiles in the most nauseating way he can. 

This man is impossible. No CEO should be allowed to throw a tantrum and get away with it. Only Tao is allowed that luxury. 

He finds it amusing and exasperating beyond reason. 

“We are being visited by 2NE1 next week,” Kris says without the formalities of introductory speech and glares at everything. “CL just called with a huge offer and we are meeting with them next Thursday.”

“I have a consultation with someone on Thursday,” Tao lies, purely speaking only for the reaction. “Reschedule.”

“You are going to meet 2NE1 with me on Thursday and you will not object,” Kris says, voice extremely low and Tao internally celebrates. His face betrays nothing of his hidden delight at the way Kris basically looks like a very suppressed volcano. 

“Fine,” Tao huffs, taking the needle from between his lips with as much indignancy as he can and slumping his shoulders, a hip cocking slightly. “I suppose if it’s for you, I can make some schedule changes, oh eminent one.”

Kris glares absolute death and turns without a word, practically stomping from the studio and slams the door before Changmin can leave.

“Can we all just die now?” Changmin grumbles as he pulls the door open again and peeks out. 

“No,” Tao says and grins. “That’d ruin all of the fun.”

Changmin scowls. “We do not exist purely to provide you entertainment,” he says and Tao can tell the other is much more stressed than he is exhibiting. 

“Sure you do,” Tao says and sticks the needle between his lips again. “You just can’t accept it.” Changmin leaves with a scowl and Tao smiles softly at his sequins. 

Jongdae sighs from where he hasn’t moved much and leans back against the workbench. “Kris needs to work out whatever the hell is wrong with him and what’s his face.”

“Chanyeol,” Tao says immediately, plucking the needle from his mouth and sewing a few sequins in place. 

“Of course you would know,” Jongdae says, laughing slightly. 

“I know everything because I listen,” Tao says and Jongdae smiles. “And if Kris doesn’t fix his idiocy by Friday I’m breaking and entering that office and beating the information into him.”

“With what?” 

“My verbosity,” Tao says and Jongdae snorts. 

Tao ends up doing just that come Friday morning when Kris arrives, brooding and horrible as he has done every other day this week and Tao, after having a calming espresso to start the day, goes and essentially tells Kris to stop being an insufferable moron. 

It goes slightly less than he had planned, Tao’s words sounding bitter as they roll off his tongue and he lectures the other man, the cold reality of his past, some long ago and some shockingly recent coming to flash up before his eyes and he numbs himself to the inconvenience that is feelings even as his skin burns and his mind summons the taste of wine and oranges. 

Tao is, however, successful in his efforts as Kris seems to intelligently connect the fragments of his mind and put together what he needs to do to stop this nonsense he’s been avoiding due to pure relational incompetence. 

Friday is not an ideal day for Tao. He has to lecture his CEO, deal with a hysterically clinging Jongin who comes in screaming and touching and all of the things Tao never enjoys, and Luhan arrives in his office later and sits in silence in the black chairs for close to an hour not talking. 

Which is extremely disconcerting. When Tao finally broke and let his curiosity get the best of him and asked if he had finally come to terms with his mother being shot, Luhan turns those big beautiful eyes on him and tells him in a dead voice that he’s just been informed he’s being evicted and his mother actually did die when he was a child, so could he please stop with the references to depressing Disney films.

Tao feels guilty and sympathetic and bad for the man. Tao ends up sitting with Luhan for close to an hour after that as the smaller man and he actually have a conversation about Luhan and his actual life and Tao realizes that he may not actually know Luhan as well as he thinks. 

They go out to dinner and Luhan leaves to stay in a hotel for the night.

Tao wishes he were a better person and would offer up his apartment as a sanctuary. 

But he can’t. 

Because he’s Tao. 

Tao spends the weekend rearranging his entire floor plan and then, realizing this was a foolishly exhausting task in the first place, puts everything back. The only groceries he buys is a bag of oranges he picks at while sitting on the couch and watching _Bambi_ and contemplating calling Luhan before he thinks better of it.

The next week is the opposite of the previous week. Kris is fucking Santa Clause happy and Tao’s never been more revolted of his meddling in his life and after a rather obnoxious incident where Yixing and Jongin were exceptionally idiotic, the two basically become brilliantly obnoxious rays of sunshine and Tao swings into hating everything and everyone. 

Which is perfect for when CL and Bom arrive on Thursday and Kris greets them with enough pep to make Tao want to vomit. 

Tao has been in his studio, bickering with Jongdae who is apparently relieved that Jongin and Yixing are now fucking. Tao is simultaneously gloating and annoyed, expressing this when Kris slams open his door with an uncharacteristic smile and leads a very professional looking CL and a slightly curious Bom into the studio and informs Tao they will be meeting and talking here. Tao does not approve of anything. 

“I thought I made it exceptionally clear when you hired me that I do not play well with others,” Tao hisses to Kris after he has shaken the hands of both CL and Bom, Jongdae hovering near the supply closets and looking uncomfortable. His movements are distracting and Tao keeps finding his eyes drawn to the smaller man. 

“I don’t play at all,” CL says and her calculating eyes meet Tao’s. It is clear that neither of them really want to be there working together but that they are instead being extorted for business purposes. “I was under the impression this was a business engagement.”

“That it is,” Kris says, and nods to Bom who pulls out a file. “We are doing a joint exhibit. Both you and Tao are going to collaborate on a project and show together. So far, both 2NE1 and EXO M have been relatively exclusive in their use of other companies and it would be good for us to branch out. CL and Tao, you two will work together to create for both agencies and prospects.”

“So, I’m going to be making women’s clothing,” Tao summarizes and stares at CL, who is expressionless. 

“Women’s fashion is limitless. Men’s is confining,” CL says and Tao glares. 

“Arrogance is never attractive-“ Tao tells her.

“And yet here you stand,” CL says, smirking.

“On a woman,” Tao finishes and CL’s lip curls. 

“I can see this is going to work well,” Bom comments and Kris sighs. 

By the supply closets, Jongdae shifts and moves closer to the door. Tao catches his eye and makes a slight jerk to his head. Jongdae frowns at him as the message is understood. _No._ Jongdae takes another stop towards the door and Tao narrows his eyes. Jongdae rolls his eyes.

“Is he your pet?” CL asks and Tao jerks to look at her, face creased in confusion. 

“Excuse me?” Tao says, voice colder than it’s been in years.

CL gestures vaguely to Jongdae, who looks between her and Tao with confusion and something akin to embarrassment. “Your pet. Is he yours?”

Tao glares at her, feeling his chest burn in anger. “I do not have ‘pets’,” he spits at her with venom. Behind her, Jongdae flushes red and looks away, gaze fixed on the door and Tao knows that he never did hate Jongdae when he first met him. He does, however, hate CL. 

CL raises an eyebrow. “Interesting,” she says and shakes her long hair behind her indifferently. 

“People are not pets,” Tao grates out at her as Kris watches him with a slight amount of intrigue visible on his features. “And should not be treated as such.”

“Aren’t they?” CL says and smirks at him before looking over at Jongdae. “Come here,” she says and Jongdae’s eyes flash to Tao before he approaches the group of superiors. CL takes him by the arm as he comes up, pulling him forward, her eyes raking him up and down. She hums softly and Jongdae’s shoulders tense. “If you’re not Tao’s pet, would you like to be mine?”

Tao’s hands are snapping out a rapid speeds, grabbing Jongdae and pulling him away from the other designer to the safety of his side, glaring death at CL. “He is no one’s pet,” Tao hisses and CL grins slyly at him. 

“Indeed,” the woman says and Tao nearly breaks his jaw his teeth clench so hard. 

Tao is forced, by Kris who refuses to leave the studio and leave Tao unsupervised, to spend the entire day working with CL and Bom, trying to figure out the plans for this joined show. The entire time grates on his nerves and he hates with every fiber of his being the blond woman sitting across from him, sketching out details of designs and going over design concepts. He also doesn’t let Jongdae leave, keeping the man beside him, a firm hand over his wrist and Jongdae, after about fifteen minutes, seems to comprehend that he is there because Tao needs him. 

Needs him because without the strange calming effects he has on Tao, the darker man would probably attempt and succeed in homicide. 

Over the course of the day, Jongdae will give Tao’s hand a reassuring squeeze or small brush of fingers over the back of his hand and Tao’s raging negative emotions will quell just enough for him to keep from exploding. When they finally seem to settle on a concept and Tao is left glowering at CL as she smirks at him, her eyes flitting between the two men posed on either side of him, Bom shakes all three men’s hands and leaves, CL following her without a word. 

As soon as they leave, Tao’s legs give out and both Kris and Jongdae catch him. It takes maybe two seconds before he’s flailing and screaming and ranting and hating everything and Kris is momentarily stunned while Jongdae quietly tries to get a hold of his arms. 

“Why the Hell would you agree to a collaboration with them?!” Tao screams at Kris after a moment of irate useless verbal assault as the other man blinks at him. 

Kris frowns at him. “We explained that. This is a business deal for both of us. 2NE1 will use the models from EXO M and you will use the staff 2NE1 provides and we will join forces to further our names and branch out. Why are you so impossible?”

Tao doesn’t like this new calm Kris. He wants to trade for the old irritable Kris. Fuck Luhan and Lay and their good intentions, sexually appeased Kris is obnoxious. 

“I _refuse_ to accept that I am going to be working with that _devious _heartless and demoralizing _creature_!” Tao screams into Kris’s face, making very violent hand gestures as Jongdae places a gentle hand between his shoulder blades. He feels slightly less unreasonable but not much. “Were you even _listening_ to the shit that was coming out of that woman's _mouth_?"__

__“She had some great ideas for design concepts,” Kris says, voice getting edgy and Tao latches onto it._ _

__“ _She referred to every single person not herself or myself as inhuman, able to be possessed like an object and owned!_ " Tao snarls, and feels Jongdae’s hand tense against his back. “She insulted out _company_ , our _work_ , our _ethics_ and _demoralized_ all those _she_ does not deem _worthy_!" Tao makes a frantic spasming movement with his arms before letting out a scream and slumping backwards, fully intent on collapsing on the floor dramatically but being prevented as Jongdae holds him up firmly. _ _

__Half of him wants to scowl and snap at Jongdae for preventing him his moment of theatrics. The other half wants to turn and curl into the other man and just breathe sanity and calm._ _

__Kris is frowning deeply at him. “Well, you are going to have to get over that,” he says, and his tone leaves no room for question. “We are working with them and you need to put aside your own problems with CL to complete this. It’s your job, and you will cooperate and, even if she is a despicable person with horrible regard for others, she is a brilliant designer.” He frowns deeper and sighs. “Honestly, I like her just about as much as you do, but this is business, not a dinner party.”_ _

__Kris grabs the stack of folders he came in with and brushes his hair gently from his eyes. “Get some rest,” he says and then gives a weak smile. “I think all of us need it after that.” And then he leaves with a small look and smile towards Jongdae, who nods._ _

__Tao just stands and breathes for a few moments, Jongdae’s hand resting gently against his back as the other keeps a steadying grip on his arm. Neither say anything for a while. Then, finally, Jongdae inhales slightly._ _

__“You know, I think that’s the first time Kris has ever smiled at me and I’ve not felt imminent threat,” Jongdae comments and Tao looks over to him. Jongdae smiles gently at him, his eyes far too kind for Tao to deal with right now. Tao closes his eyes and feels heavy exhaustion settle over his shoulders and drag him downward._ _

__“That was exhausting,” Tao says and his voice even sounds tired to his ears._ _

__“I know,” Jongdae says, and the hand on Tao’s back rubs gentle circles. “Though you did extremely well with not killing anyone,” he adds. “You didn’t even touch the scissors. I’d say that’s a record for you.” Tao says nothing, just focuses on the hand moving gently over his back and tries to block out the storm that’s still raging inside of him from the earlier consultation. “C’mon,” Jongdae says after a minute, pulling from Tao and causing the taller man to open his eyes at the loss of contact. “I’m taking you out to dinner.”_ _

__Tao frowns at him. “Why?” he asks and Jongdae just smiles at him._ _

__“Because you need it.”_ _

__They go to a French Restaurant and Jongdae restricts them to only one glass of wine each and reminds Tao that he has a shitty tolerance. Tao frowns and doesn’t allow himself to think of things related to that comment, instead staring at his fingers as they spin a napkin ring._ _

__Jongdae talks about his recent modeling activities and random things and Tao responds and talks about his own design concepts and how he tried to rearrange his house, finding the conversation easy and grounding and something he had been sorely missing since Jongdae had stopped coming to his studio. Jongdae’s smile flashes often and Tao feels warm in the other mans presence._ _

__“Why are you here?” Tao asks as they are halfway through their entrées._ _

__Jongdae frowns at him. “I asked you out to dinner, where else would I be?”_ _

__“No,” Tao shakes his head and spears a piece of asparagus. “I mean why are you still at EXO M?”_ _

__“What do you mean?” Jongdae asks, frowning at Tao. “I work there. It’s my job.”_ _

__Tao levels his gaze at him. “You could have left us a long time ago,” Tao says, fork held lightly in his hand. “You could have left and gone after your dream of being a singer long ago. But you’re still here. Still a model and waiting to start walking down the path to becoming that voice which touches the heart of many. Why?”_ _

__Jongdae’s mouth is a line as he looks at Tao, finally not smiling as he seems to think for a moment about his response. A very sincere response._ _

__“I’m not entirely sure,” Jongdae finally says and Tao can feel the half lie on his breath. “EXO M to me at this point is less of a stepping stone in my career and more of a secure place for me to be. It’s a job, but it’s also like a family. I feel supported and recognized and everyone knows me. It’s like being surrounded by your closest and pissiest brothers who love you despite your strange character flaws. It’s family I suppose is the only way I can put it.”_ _

__“EXO M is my family,” Tao says, his voice low and he looks back down at his plate, shoving the vegetable into his mouth and chewing._ _

__“But not in the way that it is for me,” Jongdae elaborates and Tao swallows._ _

__“No,” Tao replies and Jongdae watches him. “EXO M is my family not because I am supported there but because is it there that I care the most about them and they, in turn, respect and care for me. Even if it is a strange relationship. It is the family I never had.”_ _

__Jongdae studies Tao for a long time and Tao simply sits and watches him. Jongdae puts down his silverware. “Are you lonely?” Jongdae asks and his tone is very sincere, expecting sincerity in return._ _

__“Always,” Tao answers in complete honesty._ _

__“Do you want that to change?” Jongdae asks and Tao feels his heart hurt in his chest._ _

__“No,” Tao answers and hates how true that statement actually is._ _

__“Why?” Jongdae frowns at him._ _

__Tao looks into the blank space to his right, eyes unfocused on anything but his thoughts. “I’m too scared to know what will happen at this point. It’s easier this way.”_ _

__Jongdae doesn’t say anything, instead reaching forward and taking a sip of wine._ _

__After dinner, Jongdae takes Tao home again because it isn’t uncommon for him to. As they stand outside of Tao’s apartment complex and Tao thinks of his unit at the top level, still not quite right and in need or rearrangement, he realizes he doesn’t want the smaller man to leave quite yet._ _

__“Do you like walks?” Tao asks, eyes still fixed on the upper floors of his building and Jongdae looks at him in amusement._ _

__“That depends,” he answers. Are we talking about a quiet stroll or are we power walking like old ladies?”_ _

__Tao looks to him and frowns. “Just a walk, like normal people do.”_ _

__“Are you suggesting an activity for normal people?” Jongdae asks and smiles as Tao huffs. “Maybe another time.”_ _

__“I want you to come with me to 2NE1 on Tuesday next week,” Tao informs him and Jongdae’s smile falters._ _

__“Why?” he asks and Tao looks at him steadily._ _

__“Because I need you,” Tao answers bluntly._ _

__Jongdae blinks at him, the darkness casting his face into shadows making it harder for Tao to properly read his expression. “For support,” he says after a moment._ _

__“For support,” Tao repeats and Jongdae nods._ _

__Kris gives him a strange look when he shows up the next week with Jongdae in tow while Luhan just looks intrigued._ _

__“I need him so I don’t kill people,” Tao says in explanation and Luhan turns to grin at the window._ _

__“Why do you think I brought Luhan?” Kris asks._ _

__“So you don’t kill people,” Tao says and Kris frowns at him as Tao slides easily into the seat opposite him, Jongdae following after him into the limo. “I thought that was obvious.” He turns to Luhan. “How is apartment hunting?”_ _

__Luhan starts before smiling at Tao. “Not bad, though I’ve not been having great luck. I doubt it’ll be much longer though.”_ _

__“Why are you apartment hunting?” Kris asks, looking at Luhan in surprise._ _

__“He wants to decapitate one and hang it on his wall,” Tao says, rolling his eyes and Luhan grins at him in amusement as Kris scowls. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jongdae smiling at his hands, head bowed to hide his grin._ _

__“Are you going to behave today?” Kris asks pointedly, eyes on Tao as the designer huffs, annoyed as his humor is ignored._ _

__“I will if she acts like a human,” Tao retorts._ _

__“Will you act like a human?” Kris says and his voice is terse._ _

__“I never act like a human,” Tao says, waving a hand and leaning to look out the window. “What do you expect from me?”_ _

__Kris sighs and leans back into his seat. They arrive at 2NE1 and are escorted by a professional woman up to the top design levels to CL’s studio floors and are greeted by a smiling Bom and an emotionless CL. Bom makes pleasant small talk while CL’s eyes rake over Luhan, Kris, and Tao in turn, her eyes flashing a few times to Jongdae before they turn, glinting slightly to lock with Tao._ _

__Tao glares at her and her mouth quirks._ _

__The design session is a bit less painful that the previous. Though, honestly, Tao’s only reason for this is because CL, after about half an hour of looking curiously at Luhan, apparently changed tactics and began subtly flirting with Kris, Tao picking up on the various comments and glances. Bom says nothing but watches her designer like a hawk, occasionally frowning._ _

__Tao is further amused because Kris doesn’t realize it at first, instead spending most of his time talking with Luhan or Bom as Jongdae watches everyone from the corner where Tao has him in plain reassuring view. Then, after probably three hours of CL randomly calling Kris’s attention, he seems to finally suspect something and the look on his face has Tao sneering with amusement into his hand and earning him a disapproving look from Jongdae._ _

__Kris spends the rest of the day uncomfortable and Tao believes this may not be quiet as much of a horror festival as he originally thought. Though he is still pretty sure he wants to filet CL, her meddling with Kris satisfies his own incessant delight in agitating the other man._ _

__Tao has almost forgotten his vile hatred of the woman before she leans over, correcting a design sketch and says softly, “I see you brought your pet today.”_ _

__Tao’s blood runs cold and his eyes flicker over to Jongdae. “He is not a pet,” he says coldly and CL smirks._ _

__“What is he to you then?” she asks and Tao looks at her._ _

__“Calm,” he answers and CL blinks._ _

__“Treat him well,” is all the woman says before jabbing a finger at Tao’s evening dress sketch. “Redo that. The skirt needs more and the top is too distracting. It needs to be appealing, not sexual.” Tao wants to stab her with his pencil._ _

__They finish close to five o’clock with design sketches and concepts and a vague plan of what they will be doing together. They will be meeting three times a week, alternating between EXO M and 2NE1 to work and use models from both companies. CL gives Tao a brief overview of the models at her disposal and Tao supplies his own. CL approves of all of them except Lay, who she says is not tall enough and will look awkward in comparison to her amazons._ _

__Tao doesn’t comment on the matter, instead just frowning._ _

__As the limo pulls up outside of EXO M later in the evening and the four men exit, Tao turns to Jongdae and feels at a slight loss of what to say. Jongdae looks at him, eyes warm._ _

__“Thank you,” Tao says and sees Luhan’s head jerk towards him at his words, doe eyes widening. “For today.”_ _

__Jongdae smiles his Jongdae smile and walks around Tao. “Want to go on that walk?”_ _

__Tao blinks for a moment before remember the previous Thursday and his conversation with Jongdae outside his apartment. “Yes,” is all Tao says before disappearing to the upper studio levels to pack up his things for the day while Jongdae returns to the model room and finishes up._ _

__At six, Jongdae is waiting for Tao in the lobby with a very amused Xiumin standing beside him. Tao frowns. “I was unaware we were to bring friends,” he says and looks at Xiumin who is smiling a gummy smile._ _

__“Shame, you could have dragged Luhan away from his brooding,” Xiumin says._ _

__“Luhan doesn’t brood, Baozi,” Tao says and Xiumin puffs out his cheeks in annoyance. He really does look like a meat bun. “He frowns and looks contemplative. You, on the other hand, look like a meat bun.”_ _

__“For someone with a face like a Chinese snack, I’m pretty damn good looking,” Xiumin says and raises an eyebrow._ _

__“Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,” Tao says and looks to Jongdae. “Perhaps walking should wait for another day.”_ _

__Jongdae laughs and puts a warm hand on Tao’s shoulder. “No, Minseok was just keeping me company and giving me some advice,” he says and Tao frowns._ _

__“Advice about what?” Tao asks, his eyes flitting to Xiumin and narrowing slightly before returning to Jongdae._ _

__“Nothing really,” Jongdae says and smiles. “He has a date tonight anyways, so he couldn't join us if he wanted to.”_ _

__“You have people who want to date you?” Tao asks, looking at Xiumin with mock shock and Xiumin rolls his eyes._ _

__“Shocking, I know,” Xiumin says and puts his hands on his hips. “It’s crazy how these things happen, isn’t it?” Tao sucks at his teeth. “Anyway, don’t let me keep you.” Xiumin makes strange shooing motions with his hands and Jongdae laughs, wrapping an arm up around Tao’s tall shoulders and turning the designer to the doors of EXO M._ _

__Tao doesn't entirely pay attention to where they go as they walk. It’s not entirely important. What is important is the walk itself. He’s not sure why, but there’s always been something extremely pleasant about just going on long walks without real purpose or time constraint and simply letting your feet guide you as your travel. It’s always been something he enjoys doing, even if he doesn’t get to do it often._ _

__Jongdae and Tao talk occasionally, though most of the time they walk in silence, looking around at the various scenery or lost in comfortable silence together. They stop at a small bistro for a quick dinner before continuing walking. The waiter who serves them is pleasant and they sit outside, the weather warm in the twilight._ _

__It’s nearly 8:30 by the time Jongdae stops, Tao coming to stand beside him as they look up at Jongdae’s apartment complex. “I don’t usually take walks,” Jongdae says and Tao looks down at him. His eyes shine from the street lights and his smile is alluring. Tao feels his eyebrows crease at the odd sensation in his chest._ _

__“I usually like to take walks by myself,” Tao says, his eyes tracing the lines of Jongdae’s face for the millionth time._ _

__“What made you ask me the other night?” Jongdae asks, and Tao presses his lips together._ _

__“I don't know,” Tao admits and Jongdae nods, looking back to his apartment building before his eyes return to Tao._ _

__“Would you like to come in for a drink or something?” Jongdae asks._ _

__It’s an innocent question. There is nothing behind it aside from calm friendship and companionability which the two have shared for a long time now. They have shared a drink together many times before. It is not uncommon for Tao to occasionally bother Jongdae at his apartment and brood at the man’s quaint living room._ _

__But, despite the nonchalance of the suggestion, Tao’s stomach drops and his mind flies, pressing images of Jongdae’s face, flushed and eyes half lidded and the taste of oranges and the concept of heaven against Tao’s mind and he has to look away._ _

__“I can’t,” Tao says and swallows._ _

__Jongdae’s smile falters slightly. “Why not?” Jongdae asks, and his voice sounds like he’s asking much more than is actually spoken._ _

__Tao stares at the door to the building and his fingers twitch at his sides. “Because,” is all he says before turning and walking away in the direction of his apartment, barely catching the soft “okay” that falls from Jongdae’s lips as he leaves._ _

__

____

-


	3. Chapter 3

3.

 

“I want a triple shot cappuccino,” Tao barks at the secretary of the front desk as he passes on his way to the elevators. “And send Chen to my studio immediately.”

“But sir-“ the secretary begins and Tao whirls around to him.

 _“Do I look like I have patience?"_ Tao half yells and the secretary flinches behind his computer. "Triple shot cappuccino! Chen! My Studio! Five minutes!"

Ten minutes later Luhan shows up in Tao’s studio as the Chinese designer is agitatedly throwing his designs about, searching for his notes that he had taken the previous week while bitching with CL about fabrics. He looks up and freezes, scowling at the doe eyed man currently holding two steaming coffees.

“What are you doing here?” Tao snaps and Luhan nudges the door closed with his shoulder. 

“Messing up your coffee order,” Luhan says and walks into the room towards Tao’s black leather chairs. “Sit down, you’ll want to after what I have to tell you.”

Tao doesn’t like Luhan’s tone, nor the sympathetic smile on his lips. He doesn’t question things and instead strides gracefully over to the leather chairs and sits down opposite Luhan, watching as Luhan places the coffees on the table. Vanilla Cinnamon Soy Lattes. Something is definitely wrong. 

This is the unspoken comfort drink.

“Chen resigned yesterday.”

Tao is very glad he hasn’t picked up his coffee yet because he probably would have dropped it. 

“He what?” Tao says, feeling numb and in significant amounts of pain simultaneously. 

“He resigned,” Luhan repeats and Tao feels the words stab into him. “From what he told me, the only person he talked to about his potential resignation was Xiumin and that his decision was made entirely for his own professional reasons.”

“Why did he leave?” Tao asks, voice cracking slightly at the horrible sense of rejection creeping up his skin. 

“He has been auditioning at various talent and record companies for the past few weeks, one of the reasons he has been absent from a lot of scheduling,” Luhan explains. “I’m surprised I didn’t pick up on it actually.” He threads his fingers together and looks at them. “He was given an offer from Suho’s company, Planet Records, as a recording artist last week and accepted. Friday was his unofficial last day.”

Tao is glaring extremely hard at his hands, blinking furiously. “What happened to two weeks notice?” he snaps and resists the urge to throw the coffee in front of him at something.

“As Chen switched his contract when Jongin joined the company and renegotiated to become a temp model-“

Tao looks up sharply. “He what?” he asks, eyes widening. 

“I thought you knew,” Luhan says, blinking wide eyes and looking shocked. 

“No,” Tao practically breathes and feels that horrible sensation he’s becoming more and more familiar with in that he doesn’t know Jongdae as well as he wants to. And it hurts more than it should. 

“Chen talked to Kris after Heechul left and renegotiated his contract to temporary model,” Luhan explains and unthreads his fingers, the slim digits moving against each other delicately. “He’s been coming in for consultation and to support the company the extra hours. According to his contract, he doesn't have to be here full time. That includes two weeks notice on our standards.”

Tao is frowning at the walls. So much of this doesn't make sense at the same time a part of him argues it makes perfect sense. Jongdae disappearing for long periods of time in the recent weeks. Jongdae being busy but not elaborating on the subject. Their talk of dreams and ambition and Tao suddenly is mentally kicking himself for bringing up Jongdae’s singing career. 

He had mentioned it because he was curious, concerned even for the man’s ambitions. Now, Tao wonders if he’s selfish for wanting Jongdae to have truly forgotten his dreams so he could instead stay with Tao. A thought which, in and of itself, has him looking at feelings he doesn’t want to confront. At least not yet. 

“He starts at Planet Records today as a recording artist,” Luhan continues. “He said that it was better for him to at least try to see if dreams come true than hide his fears behind a model façade.”

Tao nods at his own coffee, feeling hollow. Luhan reaches over and lays a gentle hand on his arm. “You really didn’t know any of this?” he asks softly and Tao shakes his head, not trusting his mouth to work properly. “I’m sorry,” Luhan says, and it sounds like he means it. “I had thought that he would have at least told you about the contract renegotiation.”

“Me too,” Tao says and his voice cracks like sandpaper. 

Luhan gently pats his arm, hand moving up and down in slight rhythm and Tao finds it strangely comforting amidst the horrible empty feeling currently filling the fibers of his being. They sit like that for a while, Tao staring at nothing as Luhan watches him tenderly, hand patting his arm soothingly. 

Finally, Tao turns to Luhan. “How are you?” he asks and Luhan blinks before smiling.

“Are you asking for formalities?” Luhan asks with a small smile. 

“No,” Tao says honestly and Luhan shakes his head slightly. 

“I’ve been better,” Luhan admits, and his hand stops it’s rhythmic patting as his gaze drops. “Apartment hunting isn’t easy at the moment and I’ve been having a few other problems.”

Tao chews his lip for a moment, something he usually scolds people for doing. “Do you need a place to stay?” he finally asks and Luhan turns wide eyes to him. 

“If you are offering me a place to stay at your apartment I’m shooting you,” the head secretary says and Tao looks up at him in shock. “Because clearly you’ve killed the real Tao and are an impostor.”

“Even I am capable of feeling pity,” Tao says and frowns. 

“It’s what makes you human,” Luhan says, smile soft. He sighs and then sits back, his hand falling from Tao’s arm to hang over the side of his chair. “I’ve been lucky and Xiumin has been letting me crash at his place.” He meets Tao’s eyes with a knowing look. “And no, I’m not seducing him or paying him for his hospitality with sexual favors.”

“Damn,” Tao says, and his mouth twitches. “I was hoping for something to slander you with.”

“I ruin dreams,” Luhan says, shrugging. “I feel with a face like mine, it’s an occupational requirement.”

“Thus is the burden of all beautiful people,” Tao says, nodding to nothing and finally reaching forward to his Vanilla Cinnamon Soy Latte. 

“You would know,” Luhan says and Tao rolls his eyes. 

“I am unfortunate for different reasons than my beauty,” Tao says. “Though my beauty is certainly never to be questioned.”

“And those reasons would be what? Your bipolar attitudes? Your tendency to care more than is healthy? Your strange relationship with emotions?” Luhan asks, listing off things and counting down on his fingers. 

“I’m complicated,” Tao says and Luhan laughs. 

“I’m not going to argue with you on that one,” he says and Tao takes a drink of his latte. 

It isn’t until later that day that Tao realizes the reason for his feeling so shocked and rejected by Jongdae’s resignation is not that he feels betrayed by the other man, but that he realizes it is the end to one of the most stable relationships he has ever been in, aside from the painfully obvious fact that he was not, in fact, in a relationship in the first place. And this annoys Tao to no end, leading him to stalk about EXO M feeling morose and moody. 

Two days after Jongdae has resigned, Jongin comes in smiling like roses and Tao wants to smack him with the sheet of aluminum he’s just been delivered with a note telling him to ‘get creative’ signed by CL. 

“Hey!” Jongin says, all bubbles and happiness and Tao has never hated him before until now. “How is my favorite designer?”

“Wallowing in misery and darkness,” Tao retorts and Jongin laughs. Clearly sex and a relationship turns Jongin into the pissy model equivalent of a Disney Princess. He’s horrible and Tao wants him to go away. 

“Oh come on, life isn’t so bad,” Jongin says, scooting to sit on the workbench and look at Tao. 

“There was a massive killing in Georgia two days ago, a typhoon in the Philippeans that destroyed an entire village, and people in Japan are still dealing with  
fallout from the radiation after the Fukushima incident,” Tao deadpans, looking up at Jongin and the other boy rolls his eyes. 

“Aren’t you a negative Nancy,” Jongin says and leans over to check on Tao’s work, earning him a scowl. “Did you hear about Chen?”

Tao breathes very intensely and closes his eyes, standing straight and just trying to keep himself from hitting Jongin. “It doesn’t even matter if I did, because you’re just going to talk about him anyway in your incessant need to babble while I attempt to concentrate.”

Jongin frowns at him. “What, did you and Chen not talk when he would visit you?” Jongin asks, his frown creasing his face and even frowning Jongin is beautiful. Tao vaguely wishes that a part of him didn’t want to adopt Jongin, because the boy is gorgeous. 

“The amount of talking the two of us combined did amounts to maybe the amount of talking you can complete in 30 minutes,” Tao tells Jongin and glowers at his aluminum. “Though I suppose ‘babbling’ would more suit what you do.”

Jongin pouts at him slightly and Tao, barely glancing up, flicks him in the forehead. “Did you know he even sings?” Jongin asks and looks wounded. 

“Of course I know he sings,” Tao says, trying to fight down the seemingly ever-present sense of rejected loss that has been creeping around his chest since his talk with Luhan. “I listen more than any other person here.”

“Have you heard him sing?” Jongin continues to pester and Tao draws some lines on the aluminum. 

“Yes,” Tao answers and really doesn’t want to talk right now. Jongin has the worst observational skills of anyone he knows. 

“He’s really good,” Jongin continues, leaning back slightly and looking around the studio absently. “I’m actually surprised he even started as a model with that voice of his. Hearing him in the recording studio at Planet Records, I was super surprised. His voice is simultaneously angelic and heart stopping. It’s incredible.”

Tao says nothing. 

“It’s actually great how well he is getting along with people at work,” Jongin babbles on, legs swinging and head tilting slightly. “I was worried at first because he had such a strong place here, but everyone there also seems to love him.” Jongin laughs. “Actually, he and Sehun hit it off right away. Chanyeol calls the three of us the three muskateers when we hang out together. It’s kinda cool, having two families at two companies.”

Tao is frowning so hard at his aluminum that he’s surprised it hasn’t shriveled up in terror. He feels bitter, which is not at all something he ever enjoys feeling, typically preferring to keep said emotion to a bare minimum. Meaning never occurring. “Get out,” Tao says, not looking up and Jongin’s babbling stumbles to a halt.

“What?” Jongin asks, turning to look at him sharply. 

“Get out,” Tao repeats and closes his eyes, hands clenching into fists. “Now.”

Tao doesn’t see the confused and slightly hurt look Jongin gives him. Doesn’t watch as Jongin slides off the workbench and walks to the door, casting him a slightly worried look before the door opens and Tao is once more left alone. Breathing deeply through his nose, Tao stands up straight, trying to calm himself down. 

It’s been a very very long time since he has ever felt anything towards anyone that wasn’t sarcastic or plain intrigue. He knew immediately that his obsession with Jongin was platonic, ranging only from artistic fascination and strange parental urges. He knows that his love for Kris is only that of friendship, the strange surge in emotions he once had for the man having died out extremely fast after he actually got to know him, instead realizing that the majority of his love stems from a strong fraternal bond and his delight in poking the other mans buttons. 

But Jongdae is different and, for all of his extremely perceptive observations about others, Tao could kick himself for how blind he was regarding himself. Because, really, right about now he feels pretty incompetent. 

And Huang Zitao is never incompetent. 

Yet here he stands, trying to calm himself down and wanting for the first time another person who he cannot have to be there, his calming presence agonizingly absent and inaccessible. It’s ironic that Tao should realize all of these things only after Jongdae has left. It would have been much more convenient had he done this sooner instead of getting so involved in the lives of others rather than his own clear relational complications. 

“Why is Jongin walking around like a wounded puppy?” The familiar voice has Tao’s head snapping to the door in surprise, eyes flashing open and wide as he takes in the familiar smiling face of Jongdae, the smaller man standing just inside the door and closing it softly.

“What are you doing here?” Tao asks. It’s 3 in the afternoon. Technically, according to logic, Jongdae should be at Planet Records. He works there now. Not here, at EXO M, like he used to while Tao was blissfully ignorant of his internal dilemmas. 

Jongdae shrugs, walking into the studio and looking around lazily, the same beautiful smile on his lips. “I missed it,” he says and Tao can hear in his voice how honest it is. 

“You missed it,” Tao repeats and feels an irrational surge of anger. He doesn’t allow himself to ponder how he wants that answer changed. He instead substitutes the rush of emotions with an all encompassing sense of abandonment. “You were the one who left.”

Jongdae looks at him, head turning sharply and he pauses before walking over to stand next to Tao, the taller’s eyes on him steadily as he approaches. “I had to,” Jongdae says and Tao bites back the words _‘No, you didn’t’_ as they boil in his throat. “I realized I needed to stop hiding here and actually do something. I already had the ideas floating around that I should leave when Heechul left. Recently it’s been brought more and more to my attention that I am not doing myself any favors by staying here.” He pauses and Tao watches as he swallows before lowering his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Tao says nothing, just stares at Jongdae for a while, feeling horribly abandoned and rejected and lied to before he turns away, eyes landing back on the aluminum before him and the face of CL swims before him grinning and mouthing the word ‘pet.’ Tao frowns. He should say something. He knows he should. But the words just can’t get past the hole in his chest where he’s been shoving all of his thoughts and emotions for the past few months. _‘It’s too late’_ runs on repeat around his mind. 

“I wanted to tell you,” Jongdae says, leaning against the workbench and looking out the windows behind Tao. 

“No, you didn’t,” Tao says, voice low and to the aluminum before him. “If you wanted to tell me, you would have. Confabulation begets you nothing.”

Jongdae sighs. “I’m here today because I missed it here,” Jongdae says and Tao closes his eyes, focusing on his breathing. Somehow, today, Jongdae’s presence isn’t as calming as it once was. “I missed everyone. Missed Luhan with his deceptively pure face, Minseok with his meat bun cheeks, Eunhyuk with his enthusiasm and gummy smiles, Changmin and Kyuhyun with their constantly sardonic commentary, and you.” Tao presses his eyes further shut and grips his pencil a little too tight. “I missed my family.”

Tao can feel the wood of the pencil in his hand splintering slightly and tries to relax his grip. “You have a new family now,” Tao tells him and opens his eyes, hand moving swiftly to sketch on a paper tablet beside him, lines forming fast and precise into an idea implanted before his eyes. 

“It doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned my old family,” Jongdae says softly and Tao can feel his eyes as he turns to look at him. 

“We are not your family anymore,” Tao bites out and presses just a little to hard, the lines coming darker as the pencil trembles in his hand. 

“You are not family to me,” Jongdae says and the lead of the pencil snaps as it travels over the paper, scratching the page with graphite and Tao freezes. “You never were,” Jongdae finishes and Tao drops his pencil, walking swiftly from the workbench, away from Jongdae, away from his words, his eyes, his smile, his everything as the hole inside him implodes and crushes whatever is left of him right now. He leaves the studio in long fast strides before Jongdae can see the tears pour down his face. 

Tao spends most of the remaining day in the practice area, walking up and down the runway, pacing in thought and periodically just lying down and weeping at the floor. He rationalizes that it’s entirely productive. He needs meltdowns to retain his identity. Jongdae doesn’t follow him and he doesn’t see anyone until six, when Jongin pokes his head into the room and lets out a delighted whoop. 

Tao doesn’t look up from where his face is pressed into the floor, instead frowning into the cold surface and cracking his eyes open, wondering if life makes a point of making him miserable. “There you are!” Jongin’s voice says brightly, floating over to him as the younger boy bounds into the practice area, basically glowing. “God, took me forever to find you. I looked everywhere.”

“I think that my absence should have been evidence of how much I wanted to be found,” Tao grumbles to the floor and can hear Jongin pout at him, the boys facial expressions are so predictable. “In other words, go away.”

“No,” Jongin says and Tao opens his eyes to glare at everything in existence. “I’m taking you out.”

“No, you’re not,” Tao says and finally pushes himself from the floor, raising himself to his full height and brushing himself off delicately. He’s happy to see the cleaning staff of EXO M have not been neglecting their duties as there is barely a spec of dust on him from the runway. “You’re going to walk away now or I’m going to destroy that beautiful face of yours.”

“Yes, I am,” Jongin says and plants his feet, frowning at Tao. “Look, I know you’re upset and annoyed and basically having one of your many tantrums. So shut up and let me try to cheer you up.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “You helped me a lot when I was going through things, so it’s my turn to at least try to help you.” He looks at Tao and his eyes are imploring. 

“You are not in debt to me,” Tao tells him and frowns. 

“No,” Jongin says. “But I am your friend.”

Tao doesn’t comment, just looks to the side and frowns. Jongin correctly interprets this as consent and drags Tao from the practice area, informing the designer to meet him in the lobby in ten minutes. Tao doesn’t ask where they are going or what they are doing. He figures he’ll find out soon enough. After grabbing his keys and various necessities from his studio, not lingering in the room, and spending ten minutes fixing his face in the bathroom. He is fifteen minutes late as he walks into the lobby to the waiting figure of Jongin, who is accompanied by Luhan and Lay. 

“I didn’t realize this was a social gathering,” Tao says, stopping in mid stride. 

Jongin rolls his eyes and walks forward, actually grabbing Tao by the arm and dragging him forward. “C’mon,” he says and smiles. “You’re coming with us and that’s that.”

“Did you fail to notice my abhorrence of social interaction in all your occupation of my time?” Tao asks the tan boy as he allows himself to be pulled forward, steps even. 

“You do not abhor social interaction,” Jongin says, and Luhan smiles to himself, shaking his head slightly. “You just like us all to think that.”

“Even Jongin can be observant sometimes,” Lay says, smiling at his boyfriend and Tao frowns at him. Jongin beams at Lay as he comes to stand beside him, the older threading their fingers together and squeezing slightly. Luhan rolls his eyes at the pair and glances at Tao. Tao raises an eyebrow and Luhan smirks. 

“Indeed,” Tao says. “Now that we’ve come to this shocking revelation, may I leave?”

“No,” Jongin says and grabs his hand. Instantly, Tao stiffens and Luhan coughs slightly. “I’m cheering you up and that’s final.” He grins and Tao is pretty sure he’s a monster. 

Jongin takes them to a café which is apparently dedicated to making incredibly unstable shelters out of blankets and pillows. Tao hates it the second he walks in the door. It’s cozy and cute and impractical and there is far to much romantic atmosphere and it makes his skin crawl. Though his designer instinct has immediate respect for the lay out and construction of the establishment, Tao’s own person hates it with a passion. 

“So, you’re the famous Tao,” a man with a good face and lots of eyeliner says, smiling as he walks from one of the tables and holds out a hand. Tao observes him with calculated eyes. He’s quite attractive, actually, though short, and there’s something in the way that his eyes glint when he smiles that has Tao not frowning as much as usual. 

“That would be accurate,” Tao says and doesn’t shake his hand. The other man doesn’t seem fazed at all by this and instead lets his offered palm drop as both hands raise to rest lazily on his hips. 

“I’m Baekhyun,” the eyeliner man says, and grins. “This is RumbleMuffins, my café. I assume Jongin dragged you here.”

So this is the Baekhyun Jongin and Jongdae had mentioned. Interesting. 

“Unfortunately,” Tao replies and Baekhyun’s smile slips. 

The boy who was sitting at the table Baekhyun had been at as they walked in gets up and comes to stand slightly behind Baekhyun. “I’m Sehun,” he says and smiles brightly. 

“You lisp,” Tao says and Sehun’s smile drops. Baekhyun’s eyes flash. 

“So?” Sehun says and Jongin sighs beside him. 

“Anyway, welcome to RumbleMuffins!” Jongin bursts out and drags them all into the café as Sehun scowls and Baekhyun watches closely. Luhan looks tired as he settles into an empty chair, watching as the others move into the café. 

“Am I preparing drinks or did you just bring all the people you think like you here because you are a show off?” Baekhyun asks Jongin as the younger boy flops down on a pile of blankets, pulling Lay down with him. Tao’s mouth quirks at the comment. 

“Do I have to pay you to be friends with me?” Jongin says, looking at Baekhyun as the older man crosses his arms over his chest. 

“With all the shit you put me through, I should be charging you,” Baekhyun says and Jongin sticks his tongue out. Lay laughs and wraps an arm around the tan young man, pulling him tight against his side as the Jongin’s face breaks into a grin. Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “I do not want to have to separate you two,” he grumbles at them before walking around the counter. “Order drinks or get out, because I do require some patrons of my café to do things other than whine at me.”

Tao thinks that maybe Jongin and Jongdae had been somewhat correct about Baekhyun. 

“Do you have Vanilla Cinnamon Soy Lattes?” Luhan asks and Baekhyun stares at him for a moment. 

“Do you not respect the sanctity that is coffee?” Baekhyun asks and Luhan laughs slightly. Baekhyun smiles. “I usually stick with traditional orders and not specialties, but you look tired. I’ll make an exception. What’s your name?”

“Luhan,” Luhan answers as Tao sinks gracefully into the chair opposite him. “I’m Kris’s secretary. I’m guessing you’re the one who beat Kris with the pillows.”

“You would be correct,” Baekhyun says as he fiddles about behind the counter. “Though at the time I wished it had been something more violent but I couldn’t find my meat tenderizer.”

“You can’t kill people,” Sehun and Luhan say at the same time and then jerk to look at each other, eyes widening slightly. 

“You keep saying these things,” Baekhyun says, smirking at them as he watches Sehun quickly look away while Luhan looks at him curiously. “But I don’t believe them to be true.”

“See,” Sehun says, turning to Jongin who is now blatantly cuddling with Lay. “Why is he not a serial killer?”

“I told you,” Baekhyun says, pressing down coffee. “I’m too pretty.”

“Since when does beauty define serial killers?” Tao asks, looking at Baekhyun but keeping Luhan in the corner of his eye. The shorter man is frowning at his hands. Again. 

“Since it was a valid argument for Sehun’s ridiculous questions,” Baekhyun says. “Let me guess,” he says, pausing as he is about to turn on the espresso machine and looking at Tao with lowered brows. “Espresso? You look like an afternoon espresso waiting to happen.”

“Impressive,” Tao says, and nods once to show his confirmation. 

“I know,” Baekhyun says. “It comes with years of experience and obvious brilliance.”

“Baekhyun’s in love with himself,” Jongin says and throws a pillow at Sehun, who catches it frowning and hurls it at Lay. Who does not catch it and gets it in the face. “It’s why he can’t date anyone.”

“False,” Baekhyun says, pointing at Jongin with a spoon. “Loving yourself is the first step to loving other people. I just happen to excel in that field more than you other insecure freaks.”

Jongin doesn’t respond because Lay shoves the pillow Sehun threw at him into his face, grinning like a mad man as the tan boy sputters and the two start rummaging around, laughing at each other. Sehun frowns and turns back to his drink and Luhan looks out the window. 

“Oh, here we go,” Baekhyun says and turns on the espresso machine, drowning out all sound over the roar of the creation of hot caffeinated beverages. 

There is nothing in the air except the roar of coffee being created before Baekhyun turns off the machine and busies himself preparing drinks. Tao turns to Luhan. “You’re more tired today than usual,” he comments and Luhan rubs a hand over his face. 

“Minseok came home late last night after drinking and tripped over me,” Luhan says and blinks slowly. “I appreciate his hospitality, but would prefer that he didn’t step on me every time he walks in too late at night.”

“Are you sleeping on the floor?” Tao asks, eyes slightly wide. 

“Minseok’s version of a couch is an ottoman,” Luhan says and props his chin on his hand. “Eviction sucks.”

“You’ve been evicted?” Jongin says, suddenly shooting up from where he was lying with Lay. “Why didn’t you say something?”

Luhan rolls his eyes. “Because unlike you I prefer to keep personal and professional separate,” he retorts and Jongin frowns at him, Lay wrapping his arms around his waist. 

“Sehun, didn’t you say that an apartment had just vacated in your building the other day?” Baekhyun says, and Tao turns to him. Baekhyun is looking down as he pours steamed milk into mugs and Sehun is frowning at him.

“No,” Sehun says, and his eyes flash to the side. Tao watches Baekhyun and notices the other man’s mouth quirking. “I said my brother moved out because he decided moving in with his girlfriend was cooler than living with me,” Sehun clarifies and Baekhyun shrugs. 

“Same difference,” Baekhyun says and puts the finished coffee on a tray before walking around the counter with them, placing them with their respective owners before slumping down in a chair, letting out a huff of a sigh. 

Sehun scowls. “It is not the same,” Sehun says and pokes at his tea. Baekhyun smirks at him and Tao finds himself surprisingly entertained. 

“So, Tao,” Baekhyun says, turning to him and giving him a pleasant look. “I hear you design things. And like good looking people.”

“I’d say that’s accurate,” Tao says and nods, taking a sip of his espresso and finding it extremely satisfactory. 

“I also hear that I would supposedly get along really well with you,” Baekhyun says and his eyes roll over to Jongin, who flashes a thumbs up into the air from where he’s tangled with Lay as they coo at each other. Baekhyun rolls his eyes and looks back at Tao. “Though my sources of information on that front may be slightly skewed. I’m pretty sure Jongin just wants all of his voices of reason to live together so it’s less effort on his part.”

“Considering Jongin, such a thought process is fitting,” Tao answers, and Baekhyun grins. “So he has breakdowns on you too?”

“All the time,” Baekhyun says with an exasperated look at Jongin. “Between him and Chanyeol it’s a miracle I ever sleep.”

“I know the pain you speak of,” Tao says and his eyes flicker to Luhan who is sitting next to him in silence. He can feel the awkward tension rolling off of the smaller man. “Are you staying with Baozi tonight?” 

Luhan looks up suddenly, eyes wide from where he had been staring at his Vanilla Cinnamon Soy Latte. “I dunno,” he admits after a moment. “I’m still trying to figure out-“ Luhan cuts off as the door to the café opens and someone walks in. Tao turns and looks over and feels himself stiffen. 

Jongdae’s eyes flash to his and hold them for a moment as he walks into RumbleMuffins, his ever smiling mouth fixed as he walks into the main room. Luhan watches him warily and Tao looks away. Baekhyun smiles and stands. “Chen,” he says, and claps Jongdae on the shoulder. Tao ignores most of what is going on in favor of drinking his espresso. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, sitting down next to Sehun and forcing the younger boy to scoot over in his chair slightly. “I’ve been pretty busy lately.”

“I heard,” Baekhyun says. “About you leaving the models and joining the music.” Jongdae nods and his head raises as he scans the drink boards posted over the bar. 

Baekhyun sighs. “Why do you even bother choosing? You always get the same,” the barista says and Jongdae smiles. 

“One day I may surprise you,” Jongdae says and Tao’s eyes flicker to him for a moment. He feels his heart in his throat as he meets Jongdae’s own eyes which have moved to him. He swallows and looks instead at Luhan, who is watching him curiously. 

Damnit. 

“Chen will have a Chai and I want my cocoa!” Jongin says from his blanket snuggles and Jongdae snorts. 

“Honestly, you’re in public, Jongin,” Jongdae says, turning to look at the younger boy as the tanned youth rolls up and into a sitting position. 

“And?” Jongin says before grinning obnoxiously. 

“You’re a brat,” Lay says and pokes him in the face. 

“You love me,” Jongin says, grinning at the older man who is still lying next to him, smiling and his dimple winking. 

“You’re still a brat,” Lay says and grins as Jongin starts to tussle with him.

“Stop or I’m kicking you out,” Baekhyun says and returns to behind the counter. “Chai?” he asks Jongdae and the smaller man sighs before nodding. 

“I’m boring,” Jongdae says and Tao’s eyes flicker over to him. He realizes he didn't know Jongdae’s drink preference. That’s awkward, considering Jongdae knows exactly which of Tao’s drinks he likes and when exactly he wants them. 

“It’s your one character flaw,” Sehun says, and smirks at Jongdae as the older man pokes him in the face. 

Tao feels his stomach clench and looks away swiftly. 

Behind the bar, Baekhyun cocks his head to the side. 

“I didn’t know you knew RumbleMuffins, Tao,” Jongdae says and Tao’s head snaps up faster than he wanted it to. Jongdae’s eyes are warm and Tao feels heat spread through his limbs. He frowns. 

“He didn’t until Jongin decided it would cheer him up,” Luhan says and Jongdae’s eyes flicker to the secretary before returning to Tao. 

“And does it cheer you up?” Jongdae asks, and Tao frowns at him. He not asking about RumbleMuffins. 

“No,” Tao says and Jongdae’s smile falters. For one of the very rare moments in his life, he wants alcohol. In copious amounts. He turns to Baekhyun. “No offense.”

Baekhyun shrugs. “As long as you don't hit on me when I don’t want it, I won’t really be bothered.” He pauses as he pours hot liquid into a mug. “Though I will still stand by the fact that my café is the best thing in the world. So, you’re now an idiot in my mind.”

“Shame,” Tao says before draining his espresso. “You wouldn’t happen to offer something stronger than coffee, would you?”

Luhan stares at him. So does Jongdae and Jongin and Lay both sit up abruptly. Baekhyun blinks. 

“No,” says Baekhyun, looking around at the majority of faces staring at Tao with varying degrees of shock. “And I am presuming you are asking for alcohol.”

“Also a shame,” Tao says and pushes himself to his feet. All eyes follow him as he gets up. Jongin looks crest fallen and Lay looks confused. Luhan looks concerned and Jongdae… Tao doesn’t try to read the look on Jongdae’s face. “I’m going home.”

“Really?” Jongin says and looks very much like failure. “But you just got here.”

“Home,” Tao repeats and returns his espresso cup to Baekhyun, who accepts it and the cash Tao’s supplies with a contemplative look. “I hate your café,” Tao tells the smaller man. “That does not extend to yourself. Try not to kill Jongin, I need him in my next show.”

Baekhyun smiles and nods, taking the cup as Tao gives a small nod to Luhan, who waves, before walking to the door. He’s almost outside when he hears a chair scoot back and a hand, a painfully familiar hand, comes to rest between his shoulders. 

“Let me take you out,” Jongdae says and Tao doesn’t look at him. 

“No,” Tao says, and shrugs off Jongdae’s hand. Jongdae grabs his arm instead. 

“I want to,” Jongdae says and Tao turns to look at him. Jongdae’s eyes are dark and warm and his face, though smiling, is very serious and searching his own frantically. 

“Fine,” Tao says before his answer had processed and lets Jongdae pull him from RumbleMuffins to wherever it is they will end up. 

The way to dinner is quiet, spent mostly with Tao brooding moodily and Jongdae casting not-so furtive looks at him constantly. They end up going to small dinner café not far from RumbleMuffins and the first thing Tao does is order one of the strongest drinks on the menu.

“Why are you doing this?” Jongdae asks, eyebrows furrowed as he looks at Tao. 

“Because I’m miserable,” Tao snaps and folds his arms over his chest. 

Jongdae frowns at him. It’s strange how his always smiling mouth can frown so deeply. “No, you’re being dramatic.”

Tao levels a look at him. “What else am I suppose to be?”

Jongdae pauses for a moment before sighing and sitting back. “I dunno,” he says. “I honestly can’t think of you being much else.” Suddenly he smiles and Tao wants to throw his water into the other mans face. “For some reason you being anything but your crazy complicated self makes me more sad than the idea of you upset.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Tao deadpans and Jongdae’s teeth flash. 

“Does it make you feel better?” Jongdae asks and Tao picks up a fork, staring at it moodily. 

“No,” he spits and Jongdae’s smile widens. 

“So, why are you so miserable?” Jongdae asks as their drinks arrive and Tao takes a very large unnecessary gulp of whatever he ordered and tries not to make a face. After hearing Jongdae’s words he makes a very large effort not to choke and spit out alcoholic liquid everywhere.

Tao looks up, eyes burning and feels his chest constrict. “I miss you, you imbecile,” he snaps and Jongdae looks momentarily stunned before he grins sunshine. 

“Why?” Jongdae asks, and cocks his head annoyingly. “I came by this afternoon and you basically told me I was nothing to you anymore before storming from our conversation.”

“Even I have emotions,” Tao grumbles into his alcohol and pokes at his drink straw. “Shocking as that may be.”

Jongdae’s smile softens slightly. “Haven't I always been the one saying that you have more feelings and emotions that most of us do?” he says and Tao slowly raises his eyes to meet the other man’s gaze. “It’s just about time that you really admitted that to yourself.”

“My methods of expression do not classify within normal societal standards,” Tao says, and takes a smaller sip of his drink. Now that he’s not gulping it, it’s not bad. Though it has a definite taste of alcohol.

Jongdae just smiles at him, before picking up his fork and fiddling with it. “I am glad I left, you know,” he informs Tao and Tao scowls at the tablecloth. “I’d been putting it off for so long that I had almost forgotten what it was like to chase dreams. Now, I’m back on my feet and it’s like everything is finally falling into place. I’m singing, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to touch people’s hearts like so many others before me.”

“Bully for you,” Tao grumbles and takes another drink. “I’m glad you have finally succeeded in your aspirations.”

Jongdae sighs and drops his fork. “I’m not going to forget you, you know,” he says and Tao scowls at him. Jongdae smiles that warm smile and Tao can’t decide if he want to pinch his lips or kiss them. “Just because I’m now a singer, just because I’ve left EXO M and am doing something else with myself, I’m not going to forget you.”

“Yes, you will,” Tao says, voice tight and he looks back at the table. The votive in the center burns gently. “You’ll become famous and amazing and everyone will love you and your voice and your constantly smiling face and everything will change and you will.” He looks up at Jongdae, eyes steady. “You will forget me. I will just become another part of your past, part of the steps you took to get where you will be. I’ll become another forgotten page in the history of your life.”

Jongdae laughs slightly and Tao hates how he’s laughing when Tao is having so many complicated emotions running through his veins. So much confusion and revelation and reality that this will never be and he is, for once, extremely unhappy at how accurate his analysis is. 

“I could never forget you, Zitao,” Jongdae says and Tao’s eyes widen at the use of his birth name, something he had only told Jongdae once and the other man had never used again. 

“And why is that?” Tao spits, forcing the tremor out of his voice as the corners of his eyes burn. 

Jongdae laughs softly before poking the tablecloth with his fork. “It’s kinda hard to forget the person you’re in love with.”

Tao goes momentarily numb, simply staring at Jongdae as he freezes, his hand gripping his drink glass halfway to his lips as his mouth hangs open slightly, the straw poking into the left side of his face and he stares at Jongdae. Kim Jongdae, who he initially didn’t like upon first meeting and had somehow fallen stupidly in love with somewhere between when Jongde had treated him to dinner and held him after Heechul’s explosive resignation. Nothing works, his mind and heart having stopped simultaneously leaving a sort of faint buzzing instead. 

The food arrives as Tao sits, still frozen and staring at Jongdae and Jongdae’s face is dusted with pink as he looks away. The waiter looks very curious and uncomfortable as he places their food before the two men. 

Tao just is having a bit of trouble processing the fact that he was completely false in his analysis and that, for once, he may be looking at a future with significantly far less loneliness than the one he originally had been envisioning. 

Jongdae lowers his eyes to his plate and deftly picks up his fork and knife, poking at his food distractedly as Tao finally shakes himself from his paralysis and puts down his glass. “Sorry,” Jongdae says. “That probably wasn’t the best way to tell you.”

“You pushed me away,” Tao says, not touching his silverware or anything, instead his eyes fixed on Jongdae. Jongdae looks up, frowning in confusion. “That night, in my apartment. When I kissed you, you pushed me away. Saying you didn’t want to do something you would regret. ”

Jongdae doesn't even seem to need time to remember the incident. “Of course I pushed you away,” Jongdae says. “You were drunk.” Tao frowns deeply at him. “And I didn’t say I would regret it. I said you would.” His eyes drop back to his food. “Though I’m pretty sure both of us would have.”

“I was not that drunk,” Tao says and stabs his filet mignon with his knife. 

“You were babbling your life stories,” Jongdae says, looking up at him and smirking. “Going on and on about your past, your life, your experiences, and telling me things I never ever wanted to know about the horrible people you once decided to date.”

Tao frowns at him. “You would have regretted it?” he asks, ignoring the reasons behind his own regret, which he hasn’t quite processed. He’s still not quite processed that entire night, instead having pushed it to the back of his mind along with all of the other things that all led to the same conclusion of him being oddly in love with Kim Jongdae. 

“Yes,” Jongdae says. “We both would have. You would have regretted it because it would have put something between us and you thrive on your professional life having nothing to do with your personal, much like Luhan.” He takes a breath. “I would have regretted it because you would have, and because I would have had something I could never have again.”

“So why are you telling me now?” 

Jongdae looks up at him, eyes curious. “Telling you what?”

Tao huffs at him and Jongdae smiles slightly. “That you love me.”

“Because now I can’t regret it,” Jongdae says and takes a sip of the wine he had ordered. Tao looks down at his meal, not feeling particularly hungry and thinks for a moment, scowling. 

Jongdae never really does things without purpose. He cares immensely and his rational behind that kiss makes sense, even if Tao hates the reasoning itself. He would have distanced himself from Jongdae. Personal and professional do not mix in his book and any engagement the two would have had would have resulted in an estrangement that would have hurt both of them far more than he would like to think. 

And now…

Now Jongdae is no longer at EXO M and thus professionally tied to him. 

Now it is just Jongdae and Tao. 

“I’m still mad at you,” Tao says and places a piece of filet mignon between his teeth, barely glancing up at Jongdae. 

Jongdae’s hands pause over his plate and lower to rest against the edges of the table. “I know,” he says and Tao cuts another piece of meat. “But I had my reasons for not telling you about leaving.”

“You still should have told me,” Tao says, tone tight and movement extremely precise, a sign that he’s very agitated. “Hearing it from Luhan was not optimal and essentially it constitutes at lying on your part.”

“I never lied,” Jongdae says quickly and Tao’s eyes fly to his.

“Not telling the truth is essentially lying,” the designer informs him and scowls. “Thus, you lied.”

Jongdae sighs and puts down his silverware. Tao sets down his knife and fork and sits back slightly. Jongdae looks at him, eyes swimming with too many things for Tao to analyze and he reaches forward with a slightly hesitant hand to brush his fingers gently over Tao’s. “What can I do then?” he asks and Tao’s heart skips a beat. “What can I do now to make this better?”

Tao stares at him for a long moment before finally blinking and laying his fingers over the tips of Jongdae’s. “You can never leave me again,” Tao says, tone flat and imperial and Jongdae’s eyes widen as his forehead creases just slightly. 

“What?” Jongdae says and Tao can hear the disbelief and hope on his words as they float from his mouth. 

“You can never leave me again,” Tao repeats before his hand closes over Jongdae’s and he leans across the table, swiftly capturing surprised lips with his own and feels immediate calm, like a relaxed sigh, spread through his body from where they connect as the black hole in his chest swells with light and he thinks, not for the first time, that Jongdae is heaven. He pulls back after a moment and looks in Jongdae’s slowly blinking and slightly surprised eyes. 

Tao smiles, his hand holding Jongdae’s just a little tighter. “Because despite this strange stupid complicated relationship thing we have, I never want it to end.”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything, just lets out a quick puff of air against Tao’s lips as his eyes light up as his ever-smiling mouth presses against Tao’s and everything is complicated and perfect and Tao smiles.

Smiles because even if it’s complicated, Tao likes it that way.

~


End file.
